mistakes

I most likely made a mistake today. It hurts so I don't wish to clarify.

The truth is, I make mistakes probably all the time. The smaller ones I'm glad not to notice so much anymore. I let them slip away. Then there are mistakes I make out of ignorance and then after a little while I let them slip away too. Finally are the ones I make consciously. I know the result and I weight its power. Yet I end up making them. I made one today.

I have a sort of a guideline that helps me making decisions. If the decision makes no difference to no one but myself I am able to make it and most likely not regret it. If it does, well, I think about regretting already when I'm trying to make the decision. So I won't. It's easy and clear and does no harm.

Today the decision made a difference only for myself. There is literally zero person who would be even a tiny bit interested or offended by my decision. Still, here I am, regretting and pondering over a quite a small detail in my day I consider I failed. Here comes the philosopher: was I to consider the situation through consequentialism I would {surprisingly} notice my decision was the right one even though my instant and very critical {it seems} moralism shouts something very different.

As much as I want to mark myself as a bad human being in the end I have to rely on my ruling guideline. What's done is done and I can't change it anymore. Also what's done was meant to be done which means this will take me somewhere. This kind of keeps me sane time to times.

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the sad little suede skirt

I am a mishap magnet, ask anyone. Seriously.

I've always been an eager and excited kind of person. Most of the time it appears as joy and happiness and energy. Some other times it backfires and it isn't fun anymore. I bet everyone who knows me knows also the story back when I was in lower secondary school. It was a sunny afternoon in the beginning of spring. I was in a domestic science class with my friends. I was told to melt some butter in the microwave and so I did. The problem here was, you see, that all the plastic bowls were in use so I grabbed the next reasonable container I saw. A teflon pan. Yes, a teflon pan. And yes, I put the teflon pan in the microwave and the end of the story didn't look pretty.

There ain't a day without tripping, falling or swirling in the life of mine. It's a constant soap opera which, I have to admit, I do kind of like. During the musical I tripped in the stairs for I don't even know how many times. I ran and almost hit the door. A year ago in Australia I only walked and still hit a glass door. On my first year in upper secondary school I accidentally dropped my calculator from the second floor to the first and it almost hit my friend in head.

The little accidents like the ones beneath happen to me all the time out of pure ignorance. I just didn't know. Oh, had I known one is not supposed to wash leather. About a month ago someone spilled their drink on my dear brown suede skirt, the one I really, really loved. So I got back home and put it in the washing machine myself thinking I would save my mom form the job. I washed the leather skirt and put it in the drying cabinet. This is when my mom had a look and had a fright. Dear God what have you done! My skirt was ruined. We sent it to drycleaner's and it came back the day before yesterday, all bleached and shrunken. You can only imagine my grief. And who was I to blame this for? Myself and only myself.

The point I want to make is that I mess up a lot. I make so many mistakes all the time. Yet I'm here and I haven't lost a thing when I really think about it. It's quite the opposite, actually. I've learned quite a bit the hard way but the point is I have learned. I haven't put a teflon pan to the microwave ever since and neither will I wash leather ever again. The loss of a skirt, a piece of fabric that, sure, cost me some money hasn't been the end of my life before and therefor it shouldn't be now either. I'm still quite mesmerised how bad can my luck be when it comes to skirts. They all have faced very horrible endings.

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