Lost direction

I have done a bit of a one-eighty. This is merely a result of a year full of existential questions: 

who am I, what do I like, what do I believe in?

Looking for that direction I lost.

I am in my last year of my uni degree now and I find myself asking the same question all the time: what do I actually want to do? According to my casual research — aka conversations with trusted friends — this is fairly common among final year students and especially common within final year creative students.

I started university with a set goal, a bunch of ambition and a great lack of experience. Cue the experience and everything else got turned upside down. For a good while I thought I had lost all that ambition I had as an 18-year-old college student stuck in a little town, dreaming about a grand future in a metropolitan city. Now that I have lived in London for almost two and a half years I, ironically, miss the little suburban town back in Finland. I miss the trees and I miss the scarcity of people. There’s way too many here (and the Christmas tourist wave has not helped a bit!).

My degree and life in London in general have shifted my goals to a whole new perspective. I no longer want to do any of the things I was longing for just a few years ago. In fact, I have no clue of what I would like to do. I might just take that piece of advise and apply to everything and see who takes me — and then figure it out from there by eliminating all I can’t stand.

Reflecting on 2019 I complained way too much. I still complain way too much but I am starting to try to accommodate to my situation and see all the good in it rather than pining over something I had in the past. Truth to be told, I would not want to repeat all of college even though I am very reminiscent of that time. I probably wouldn’t want to move back to that little town because finding a job there was absolute hell. So I am starting to appreciate London in a more realistic manner than when I first moved here in awe of a lamppost.

Some of that ambition is being gained back and, consequently, goals are starting to form from the fog I have been staring for the past twelve months. Next week I am going back home to deliver a presentation at my old college. Building the presentation has been a great push to reflect on my time here. I don’t want to discourage anyone from coming to study here but rather to provide a disclaimer to think twice rather than jumping into something this big like I did.

I am hoping this is all just part of actually growing up (I am starting to genuinely see the appeal of a Monday to Friday office job). It is hard changing as a person. Appreciating completely different things and feeling alienated from your past self puts you on thin ice.

I stopped social media and writing my blog almost two years ago. Back then it was a conscious choice to retain my mental health to a somewhat sane level. Over time new reasons emerged and I started to pay attention to the culture and behaviour on and around social media. Why do I take all these images and post them online for everyone to see when I don’t really care about other people’s pictures of their breakfasts? Why do I need to share my thoughts on a platform like my blog? I don’t really remember why I started doing it. Most likely someone else I knew had a blog and it seemed like a fun thing to do.

There’s just so much online. There’s so much I am in constant battle trying to avoid it and enjoy something real, outside urls and hashtags. Yet here I am again. Because reading back, looking at the images from the past communicate that clarity that I yearn for now. I could just write in my diary but writing for myself doesn’t require such structure and curation as publishing online does.

I cannot really justify hating social media and writing here. It does make me a hypocrite. Being this lost demands some action, though. In the past this blog earned me an internship and help me develop my writing as well as other communication skills. That’s my reason to write again: to give me something productive (ish) to do and hopefully gives me some direction. If having a blog helps me to get a job, I’ll do it anytime.

CONTINUE READING

just London's luck

I have this one friend whose luck is unbelievable. Honestly! The most incredible things just happen to happen to her. I, on the other hand, am a person of relatively neutral excluding the fact that I seem to really attract accidents. But when I’m with my friend I get to enjoy a piece of her never-ending good luck. It’s either with her or in London, apparently.

I’ve had the most crazy, absurd good luck for the whole time I’ve been in this metropolitan. I’ve just happened to meet people who happen to work in the same industry I once wish to. I got a place to live at by a such a lucky coincidence. Above all, I haven’t gotten nor felt lost, anxious, unsure, sad, terrified… the list goes on.

I tried to keep panicking in the minimum before I got here. There was a lot of things to stress about and time to times I felt quite overwhelmed by it all. So it happens that mom and dad were right, after all: everything is sorting out better than I could have ever dreaded to dream. Was it faith, god or life that is holding me up I’m so very thankful of it all every single morning. I thank for this life and that it has taken me here, to London.

I feel very strongly I’ve entered a new chapter in my life. It feels like a completely different life, to be honest. It feels like mine but only the version that has ever only existed in my head, in my dreams. And now it’s true. Now I’m living it. I’m a bit scared it’s all just a very beautiful dream and that any moment now I’m going to wake up to half life.

I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m in the best place, mentally, I’ve never ever been. I have a new, wonderful city to explore, new people to meet and talk with and quite frankly — a tabula rasa in every way. For the first time ever this life feels completely mine. It’s the best feeling I’ve had in a while. And that is making me, slowly but firmly, trusting in life, faith and even luck.

CONTINUE READING

jealousy

It only takes your time and eats your mind. Why is it that we look at the next person with a silent disgusted look on our face? I always say how I don't want to spread hatred or jealousy yet time after time, amongst certain people I can't help but feel I'm lacking something and they have it. It's an unwanted competition I try to walk away from but the toxins are already loose and oh, the temptation to give in to them is luring.

When I sit there and the other one tells about the things I get jealous of I try to think it this way: it’s their life, it’s their choices and their values. Mine might be more or less different but nevertheless capital M mine. In this life of mine I get what I’m given and I can make the most out of that. I’ve been given so much — much more than most — and still there will always be others who have been given more. It’s not my loss. However, it is my loss if I give in to jealousy. I don’t know why is it so hard to remember there’s no gain in jealousy but the absolute opposite.

Today I took the train to the capital. As I was sitting face towards a window on the other side of the corridor uncertainty stroke me. I started looking around: what were others wearing, who were they with, what were they like. I regretted what I had chosen to wear, which choices I had made with my look, with my values, with my life. Before I knew the toxins were eating my confidence. Lord, I hated it. So I popped my headphones in my ears and turned up mellow beats. I shaped up and put my elbow on the windowsill, closed my eyes and started tapping the floor to the rhythm. I played piano with the fingers of my right hand. I opened my eyes and there was an old man standing in the lobby of the train, tapping the floor with his foot in the same beat, looking at me and smiling. I smiled back.

As I understand it, jealousy is about not feeling enough. We need attention. We need recognition. Well, at least I do. One smile, that’s all it took to vanish the toxins. One smile and I gained back my confidence. I got that smile by not envying the others but fighting against it.

CONTINUE READING

scrap that!

It seems that the life has always something drastic planned for the end of the summer. Somehow things escalate and I find myself in an odd and new situation. Call it my subconscious or fate or something completely else everything needs to change when we hit August. That's what I always joke about: for me the new year starts in August, not in January.

Life-update! I am on my own and off to London. That happened quickly you might mumble — believe me I do too. So I might have noticed some clearing places available at the uni of my dreams and I might have applied and I might have even gotten accepted. Yesterday. Last time I wrote about dreams and how they require work and a tiny bit of luck. I realised I feel like I've never done enough and I'm really not the number one believer in luck. Yet somehow I happened achieve something I thought was completely out of my reach.

Yesterday was a truly wonderful day and as I walked home I had to genuinely smile the whole way. Part of my joy comes from freedom and excitement of London. Part of it comes from the creative space I've only recently re-entered. I've sworn I'm officially the worst at making up stories. I come up with an idea for a scene but that's about as far as I can get. Scrap that. This week I was at a bookshop with my sister and browsing through the paperbacks when I noticed an interesting title. Of course I misread it and in the end it wasn't that interesting at all. But what I thought I read sticked to my mind and slowly it escalated me creating a storyline in my head. I got home and grabbed my notebook and started writing. I've been writing the whole week and have five whole chapters ready.

My life is yelling scrap that! straight at my face and I think it's about the time to start listening. It's a new beginning — once again — and a chance to let go of prejudices of what I think I can or cannot do and what can or cannot happen. It came to the point I was yet again panicking about the accommodation in London when I realised it's all going to sort out, not on it's own for sure, but there's really no need to panic. And I scrapped it all and tossed it in the bin. Life is life and you know what: London baby!

CONTINUE READING

anything is possible

We’ve heard the words a million times.

Dream big, achieve big is the mantra I live by, I’ve always had. Considering myself as something really special is both empowering and deceiving. It gives self-confidence but at the same time it creates an illusion that one would better than she or he is. This is what happened with me. I used to think I’m oh-so-special and during the last three years that bubble has broken and later been rebuilt little by little leaving holes to allow criticism and to see and understand the actualities (but not to rely on them too much). I’ve been sky high and I’ve been close to the bottom. Now I’m somewhere in between building my way up carefully and self-lovingly trying to remain somewhat down-to-earth.

Believing is vital but not enough. I believe in myself, I've always had. In upper secondary school I realised all that believing is wasted potential if it’s not used to anything. So I worked really hard to earn evidence, to show others and myself my worth and the worth of what I believe in. Because almost equals nothing in the end. The thought in my head is nothing to others because they cannot see or hear it. It exists only to me until I put it in action. To achieve something big others must see my greatness. They need evidence.

Not everything is meant to succeed, though. That is a brutal fact everyone needs to understand sooner or later. It’s a brutal world in that way. I thought I could do it all and it drowned me. One must learn when to give up because living in a fool's paradise is waste of time and potential in addition to it being so unhealthy to one's mind. You can't be an artist to earn your living if no one buys your art. Giving up on dreams hurts like hell but it’s better than living in denial.

I have big dreams and I am ready to work for them. I've questioned and criticised my dreams many, many times and pondered are they really what I want, worth all the time and effort. I've come to a conclusion that my dreams are what I live for. They are my safe place. They are the core meaning of my life.

CONTINUE READING

20

Still not a grown-up.

Nope. Wasn't two years ago, wasn't a year ago and definitely aren't now either. My life changes each day, drastically, and yet I sort of like it that way. Some days I feel so sure of myself and where I'm going and then there are periods of time I feel like a 10-year-old never ready to leave home. It's confusing.

A year ago I talked about changes. Had I only known there were much more to come. It's been a whirlwind, this whole year. Somehow I've really loved it although it's been incredibly exhausting time to times. Changes don't scare me as much anymore. I'm not neutral but I know I can take them. I've grown, I've gained courage and knowledge.

Now that school's over I thought I'd be on my own. I couldn't have been more wrong. I have a bigger and more loving group of people than ever before. My friends and family are all kind of blending in my head. We're all a big family. We all care about each other. I'm part of something. 

Next year. I don't actually have a plan and, actually, I'm not scared. I'm not panicking and that feels great. I feel very young and alive, like never before. I've been a puppet in my own master plan. Now I'm finally the leader in that game. I've become a human during this year.

I want to see what's around the riverbed. I want to see where the wind takes me. I'm going to continue growing my confidence and courage. I want to get rid of being scared of absolutely everything. I want to live. This time I'm still not 22 yet, but I'm happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. It's been and it will be miserable and absolutely magical. 

photo credit // portaits by Suvi Ojala

CONTINUE READING

graduation and a gap year

Had you been reading my blog for a while know you'd know I have a plan. There's always been a plan. And a back-up plan. And a back-up plan for the back-up plan. According to the past and the plan it's always been work, work, work and work even harder. During upper secondary I've been to the limit relatively many times and pushed myself over it a few. I've gained a lot and I am truly glad I've done the job properly. And then it ended.

About two months ago I walked out from my last exam. That marked the end of four years of upper secondary school and thirteen years of school in total. I wrote a few pieces on my first weeks of upper secondary. In one of them I stated: "I guess these upcoming four years are going to be extremely rough - or wonderful. I just have to find the right perspective." To look back, I had no idea back then. Things have changed so much, the world has changed in my eyes, I have changed.

Since March I’ve been lying low. I decided not to take any new projects and really use this time to back off. It’s been marvellous. I don’t miss school a bit, that is for yet. At the moment I’m working at a golf club just a stone’s throw away from my home. The working world is more than different to the school world. Firstly, I get paid. Secondly, I’m being treated as an adult. Thirdly, there’s no exams. It’s not what I want for the rest of my life and I really want to get a degree but for now this seems perfect.

My graduation was last weekend. It was truly the most perfect day all through. I drank champagne and talked and laughed so much it almost hurt. I was surrounded by people I love and care about and who love and care about me. I didn't need the prom to feel like a princess when I had a day like this. 

My 20th birthday will be this week. Every year I say the same thing: “I cannot believe I’m turning this and this much!” There are days I can comprehend it and then there are days I don’t think about it. And then there are days I feel like a twelve-year-old. Moving out feels a little less scary each day. Before that I’m going to enjoy my possibly last year home.

So what's following? I missed the university application deadlines. I was supposed to apply to Italy and a university in Finland too but I thought I am not ready to leave home, not just yet. That means I'm taking a gap year. The thought felt terrifying at first. Listening to my friends who had had a gap year made the concept seem okay. And then I realised that it’s possibly not what I want but perhaps just what I need.

Referring to the original plan it's work, work, work but work in humane limits and this time for money. I keep saying I'm going to figure it all out. The truth is I'm not, but somehow everyday it's all working out. Slowly I'm beginning to believe in guidelines instead of plans. 

image credit // top left and bottom by Jani Nordqvist

dress • Needle & Thread // shoes • Zara

CONTINUE READING

the fourth year

"I want to be braver this year, to except challenges and go on adventures without thinking about tomorrow too much. I want to be more spontaneous {with a common sense, of course}. I want to learn to love and learn how to say it too.

I want to think less and dream more. I want to have less expectations and see the world with more open eyes. I want to learn how to let go."

The clearest sign of growing up is time, how fast it runs. Many have said they're glad this year is finally over. My year was very everything, the whole spectrum of feelings, tears, laughters, pain and wonderfulness. I became braver because of all of this. I became kinder too remembering where I want to stand in life. The ever-so-exciting late night car drives to nowhere showed me what a second without plan can be. I took risks that turned out to be worth the risk. I learned to love and to let go. I found a wonderful life in a place I thought was dead.

This year I need to even braver as a lot of things are changing. I want to learn to trust there are people who are there for me. I want to learn to trust the world. Actually, I need to learn to trust the world.

January was somewhat a busy and stressful month following with February equally as tough. I was working with the musical production in addition to a stacked schedule and a mess in my personal life. These months blended in so well I honestly can't tell what happened without a journal. I was definitely having a hard time here and was in a lot of emotional pain that led to panic attacks and sleepless nights.

By March the musical was over and pressures all around had eased. I took some time off to go to Lapland with my family. The skiing holiday was a perfect getaway, a chance to relax. I remember still being stressed and so this month, too, is a blur in my head.

April marks the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I started hanging out with my "lost and newly found" friends who became very important to me in no time. There were so many pictures and so many laughs. I started to feel really happy again and looked forward to weekends to spend time with Ellu and Paci. 

In May Ellu and Paci where done with their finals and so we had loads of time to take trips and go on adventures. We painted, cooked, biked, photographed and had such good talks. May is also the fashion month in Finland and so I attended some fashion shows, which is a first for me. Especially the Aalto University's show was amazing combined with the exhibition a few days later. I've been interested in fashion for several years now. This show was kind of a cherry on top making me sure this is what I want to work with.

Ah, June! My birthday month and the first month of summer holiday. For my birthday we went to Boulevard Social with my family and to Pjazza with my friends as the year before. I loved both of those days for being surrounded with my favourite people, missing a few, of course, as Germany is a bit far away. In June I visited the Suomenlinna island by Helsinki many times. There's something in this place: the sunset over the city, the eased summery atmosphere and picnics on the grass. It was the beginning of the best summer of my life.

We spent time a lot in Helsinki in July. After the midsummer myself, Ellu and Paci started hanging out with Max as well. The Casino of Helsinki, Torni (tower bar), restaurants, brunches and golf courses by night. It was all amazing! As I mentioned: the best summer ever! I also travelled to French  Riviera with my family for a week. The lady in Dolce&Gabbana asked from which year's collection my shorts were. I loved dressing that way in a place it's only decent.

In August the summer holiday was almost gone and I had only a few weeks left with my friends before they all flew the nest: university, au pairing, you name it. I cherished this time even more. It was the time of letting go, of them and of great times. I had been happy, myself for a long time and didn't want that to end either. And then there were two. Max and I were the last ones left and as we had enjoyed each other's company in the summer we continued hanging out as the last two left. Then there was a week of so much happiness as me and Max hit it off and so much sadness as my beloved dog got diagnosed with cancer. As one door opens another closes.

September was such an amazing month. We drove all night with Max and ended up in places far far away. School-wise I finally got a burnout after participating in pretty much every single extra curricular club and committee. I resigned from all of them except the school paper. I felt so light. I had short days in school for the first time in forever. And the weekends I spent with Max. I started to draw and paint and do puzzles again which all I used to love. Life got a bit better all the time.

October was a happy month, a light month. October was also my dog's last month. That was a sad morning. My dad took her to the vet. It was a quiet day. I see her still in my dreams, every week.

In November it got really cold. We still had fun dreaming of travelling to marvellous places.

In December was my little sister's birthday as well as other celebrations and I think I wore that dress almost every day for two weeks. I took everything I could out of those weeks as on the third weekend I left to Australia for a month. Here I still am, one week to go, happy but homesick.

This year changed me more than I had dreamt. I've grown. I've found the perspective I needed.

CONTINUE READING

happily ever autumn

Freezing wind, bare nature, grey tones and the darkness. Autumn is almost over. It's been, honestly, the best autumn in very many ways. It's been unforgettable, to say at least. It's been such an amazing summer and autumn I'm actually looking forward to winter. Well, I'm going to Australia for four weeks in Christmas time so I can't really complain.

As I've said before, this autumn has been so fulfilled with both wonderful and woesome moments. I've found someone to talk bizarre things in the middle of the night while driving nowhere, to hold me in his arms and to share everything with. In the other end of the spectrum my dear dog passed away a few weeks ago. When it all got a bit too much I finally resigned from almost all the extra curricular activities holding on only to the school magazine which has been a joyful club from the very beginning.

So I'm a regular student again and it feels so nice. There were far too many things on my plate and as hard as it was I'm more than glad I let go. I have so much more energy now that I'm not stressing over millions and again millions of things that don't require to be stressed over. I realised I had given up so many hobbies without noticing. I used to love drawing and scrap-booking as well as baking and organising my room. I want to start putting time on these and other things I enjoy. 

Ronja, a friend of mine from school, came over last weekend. It was cold but we defied the weather and drove near the airport, on a hill to snap a few photos. A few words; she has the best coasts and scarves (seriously, so cozy) and an amazing style all over, she's such a great story teller making everything sound epic and lastly is adorably passionate about art history (sat that course with her, so fun!)

CONTINUE READING

of farewells

It's easy to say goodbye to someone who's staying. It's easy when you're the one who's leaving. You're going to somewhere new while the others are stuck with the same old same. This time I'm staying and it's harder than I thought. It's also hard to stop when you've got the taste of running.

I'm going back to school in a couple of weeks. That's the end of summer, really. This summer is probably the first one I don't want to end, partly because I know in the end everyone will leave. It's breaking my heart. They're off to universities, internships and abroad. Everything I long for. While school is cool by giving me a logical daily schedule I hate the fact I'm tied up, stuck in this place for yet another year.

That takes us to the next topic: end of childhood. I'm not claiming to become an adult but I sure know I want to move out as soon as I can. I want to move abroad was it for school or work. After getting used to my home again post-exchange I feel like I've seen it all now (surely haven't but you know the deal). I need challenges.

In a way saying goodbye is a huge challenge. Sitting on the rocks of Suomenlinna and watching the sunset together was somewhat bitter sweet. It's the shallow part of my consciousness that gets it: in a short while they're all gone. Still I truly cannot comprehend they'd really be leaving. It's when you try to seize the moment because that's all you have for now. You don't want to cry yet you feel like you should. 

shirt / Sister Jane • watch / Daniel Wellington • earrings / House of Elliot

CONTINUE READING

19

So much more beautiful and wise.

That being my rather sarcastic answer to the classic What is it like to be 19 years old. Compared to the situation a year ago I do feel more sure and strong. 19 is the perfect age in the middle of all the big changes: one kind of knows how stuff works but doesn't have to face the real reality yet. So I enjoy my time. 

Now I have a better picture of myself. I'm starting to form steadier frames of my likes, my dislikes, my values and my environment. I would say this makes me overall happy. I know where to push my boundaries and know where my absolute limits are. 

Now I want to point out my friends. You know who you are and I know you are there for me. There's close to nothing that can break me when I know I have my friends besides me. This year has truly shaped my image of friendship and it surely has tested the whole concept.

If I was to describe this year with one word that'd be a terrible mess, a huge knot that has started to sort itself out little by little and still far away from clear. It was easily classified as a very tough year. I worked more than ever and ended up in the middle of a so much drama – without even noticing.

So this year I want to open my eyes and look around without forgetting to dream and imagine. There are way too many changes ahead to take. I will still. I want to try to survive the way I best know how to. Once again, I'm not 22 yet, but I'm still happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. It's been and it will be miserable and absolutely magical. 

photo credit // daydreaming in the meadow by Jani Nordqvist

CONTINUE READING

mistakes

I most likely made a mistake today. It hurts so I don't wish to clarify.

The truth is, I make mistakes probably all the time. The smaller ones I'm glad not to notice so much anymore. I let them slip away. Then there are mistakes I make out of ignorance and then after a little while I let them slip away too. Finally are the ones I make consciously. I know the result and I weight its power. Yet I end up making them. I made one today.

I have a sort of a guideline that helps me making decisions. If the decision makes no difference to no one but myself I am able to make it and most likely not regret it. If it does, well, I think about regretting already when I'm trying to make the decision. So I won't. It's easy and clear and does no harm.

Today the decision made a difference only for myself. There is literally zero person who would be even a tiny bit interested or offended by my decision. Still, here I am, regretting and pondering over a quite a small detail in my day I consider I failed. Here comes the philosopher: was I to consider the situation through consequentialism I would {surprisingly} notice my decision was the right one even though my instant and very critical {it seems} moralism shouts something very different.

As much as I want to mark myself as a bad human being in the end I have to rely on my ruling guideline. What's done is done and I can't change it anymore. Also what's done was meant to be done which means this will take me somewhere. This kind of keeps me sane time to times.

CONTINUE READING

the sad little suede skirt

I am a mishap magnet, ask anyone. Seriously.

I've always been an eager and excited kind of person. Most of the time it appears as joy and happiness and energy. Some other times it backfires and it isn't fun anymore. I bet everyone who knows me knows also the story back when I was in lower secondary school. It was a sunny afternoon in the beginning of spring. I was in a domestic science class with my friends. I was told to melt some butter in the microwave and so I did. The problem here was, you see, that all the plastic bowls were in use so I grabbed the next reasonable container I saw. A teflon pan. Yes, a teflon pan. And yes, I put the teflon pan in the microwave and the end of the story didn't look pretty.

There ain't a day without tripping, falling or swirling in the life of mine. It's a constant soap opera which, I have to admit, I do kind of like. During the musical I tripped in the stairs for I don't even know how many times. I ran and almost hit the door. A year ago in Australia I only walked and still hit a glass door. On my first year in upper secondary school I accidentally dropped my calculator from the second floor to the first and it almost hit my friend in head.

The little accidents like the ones beneath happen to me all the time out of pure ignorance. I just didn't know. Oh, had I known one is not supposed to wash leather. About a month ago someone spilled their drink on my dear brown suede skirt, the one I really, really loved. So I got back home and put it in the washing machine myself thinking I would save my mom form the job. I washed the leather skirt and put it in the drying cabinet. This is when my mom had a look and had a fright. Dear God what have you done! My skirt was ruined. We sent it to drycleaner's and it came back the day before yesterday, all bleached and shrunken. You can only imagine my grief. And who was I to blame this for? Myself and only myself.

The point I want to make is that I mess up a lot. I make so many mistakes all the time. Yet I'm here and I haven't lost a thing when I really think about it. It's quite the opposite, actually. I've learned quite a bit the hard way but the point is I have learned. I haven't put a teflon pan to the microwave ever since and neither will I wash leather ever again. The loss of a skirt, a piece of fabric that, sure, cost me some money hasn't been the end of my life before and therefor it shouldn't be now either. I'm still quite mesmerised how bad can my luck be when it comes to skirts. They all have faced very horrible endings.

CONTINUE READING

Golden Star musical

I signed up for my school's musical production on the first day of autumn. Had I known it'd be such a powerful experience I would have cherished the time even more.

Our musical, Kultatähti (Golden Star), was about three girls struggling in the world where music is considered in so many different ways. One of them wants to just make art, second of them is a bit shy and the last one just wants to get loved by someone. The latter, Juuli, is a character that really develops  during the act. She starts as a comic and sarcastic character portraying an uprising pop diva but as the story goes on we got to see a whole new side. She is struggling as the other girls have someone to call and love when they're far away from home and Juuli has simply and only her 42 Instagram followers.

"Mä muistan kun muhun uskottiin / I remember when everyone believed in me

'Tosta tulee jotain', niin povattiin / 'She's gonna become something great', so they said

Nyt mä oon täällä, voin kaiken saavuttaa / Now I'm here and I can achieve everything

Mä pelkään tää ei mitään merkinnytkään / I'm scared this didn't mean anything

ja kohta taas aivan yksin jään / and soon I'll be alone again"

Sylityksin (In your arms) is probably my favourite song in the musical. Juuli's verse really hit me only this week and I pondered it multiple times. I found an alarming amount of similarities under all of her excitement and affectation. This world has been cruel to her in some way and made her tough. She has created a mask for herself to ensure she'll receive acceptance one day.

Juuli faces a tragic death in the lady's room of a night club as she throws a handful of drugs into her throat. In all her despair and loneliness she rises her face and states:

"Musta tuntuu, että mä nousen / I think I'm rising

kohti kylmää taivasta / towards the cold sky

Ehkä musta tulee tähti / Maybe I'll become a star

Vaikka oikeasti halusin vain olla jollekin... kulta / Although really I just wanted to be golden to someone"

In the ending scene Juuli appears as an angel and all the girls sing together and the crowd is weeping. It was a beautiful production. It somehow changed me and at least made me realise important things. Gold Star has been a part of my life for quite a long time in such and I have learned to live with it and for it. Now that we're finished with the show I don't know what should I do with my time. Well, we have exam's starting on Thursday but that's barely nothing compared the musical.

One of my dreams in life, in general, is to get to be part of something. It doesn't have to be anything special but I just don't want to get left alone. This musical was a very special project to me. I even gave a speech just because I felt like it. I have to let that sink in. It was probably the bravest and most ex-tempore thing I've ever done. Maybe I'll become a star.

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the third year

"In 2015 I want to really improve myself in as many areas as I just possibly can. I'm gonna try to fully enjoy the rest of my exchange and after that I'm gonna dive back to studying world and not leave that world for a while. As it comes to my blog I want to - again - improve my writing and photographing skills. I've developed a direction, a theme for my blog and I'm going to continue with that."

2016 is here now and I have already started off way different that I had planned. I literally spent the change of the year in a car driving home and crying with my best friend by my side. I said I want to be braver this year, to except challenges and go on adventures without thinking about tomorrow too much. I want to be more spontaneous {with a common sense, of course}. I want to learn to love and learn how to say it too. 

With the blog I want to concentrate on fashion and more personalised photography. I'm seriously so done with basic portraits. This year I want to think out of the box, to drive far away just to get the most magical photo. I want to talk about my style, how I build an outfit and how it actually worked out.

Last year I got so focused on diagnosing myself and finding myself again I got completely lost in the middle of that rush. Now, I feel like I have built my personality again so much I can move on to concentrate on other things. I want to think less and dream more. I want to have less expectations and see the world with more open eyes. I want to learn how to let go.

January started with New Year's eve party in Aussie style. I loved it. The second highlight of my January must have been surfing and the Australian beach-centred life style. I took some surfing classes and am proud to say I can stand on that board now. I also saw tons of pelicans which was pretty awesome!

In February we visited a lot of theme parks with my family in Australia. I got to hold a koala in Australia zoo which had been one of my biggest dreams since childhood. In this month I also started to film a music video as a school project. Here's the finished product:

We made dozens of trips to the city with Nat in March. We saw the Wicked musical and attended other cool occasions. I also finally bought myself a polaroid camera {it's a fujifilm to be clear} and that thing has followed me everywhere ever since.

In April I got to go to Sydney and see the spectacular opera house and the bridge and madame Tussaud's. It was such an amazing trip and I'm so glad I got the opportunity. This was also the month it was time for me to go back home to Finland. I left with heavy heart and tears in my eyes as saying goodbye to a huge amount of amazing and wonderful people I'd met. I was still happy to see my family in Finland again.

I spent the whole May settling back to Finland and learning to use the language again. It felt wonderful to be back but at the same time I missed my other home so much. There are actually no photos at all from this time which really reflects my feelings: empty.

In June I had got my life somewhat back together. I travelled to middle Finland to see Iida. As usual, we photographed so much it also hurts. I also developed a new kind of love towards soap bubbles and  sunsets. I was also loving the new short and natural look of my hair. And, I almost forgot the most important part: I turned 18! It was wonderful and terrifying... still is.

In July I packed my suitcase once again and flew to French Riviera for 9 days with my family. It was such a great holiday and I can't wait to go there again. We rented a house villa on Côte d'Azur and explored Nice and Cannes. As a real turist in France I wore my striped t-shirt and cat-eye sunglasses which I very much love.

In August it was time for another vacation. This time I flew to Austria by myself to see Julia for a week. We spent a lovely day in Vienna and for the rest of my stay we relaxed over at her place by a lake and mountains. On the date of Julia's little brother's birthday we all went hiking to the Alps {how cool is that!} which was spectacular.

September was quite a boring month on the half of photos. I was enjoying all the autumn things such as coffee, candles and beautiful colours. I had a few shopping sprees and busy time with school which pretty much sums up the whole month's schedule.

Now that I look back my whole autumn seems really boring because there's hardly any photos in my October folder. In fact, I just haven't have the motivation to pick up my camera. I'd say I spent at least as much time with school as I did in the previous month if not more. I took exams and finished a few assignments.

November passed by while we all were waiting for some snow. 

Thank God I remembered my camera in December. This was the first year in ages I got really excited for Christmas. It was good but not surprising, as Christmas tends to be now. It was nice to see my grand parents and I actually enjoyed the dinner so all that excitement wasn't for nothing. On boxing day I hopped on a plane and flew to Germany to see friends I'd made in New Zealand. It was honestly the most perfect trip and the most perfect way to end my year. 

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christmas this time

Christmas. Never been my favourite time of the year. 

This year I had high expectations. Last year my Christmas was, well, very different and I don't know if I liked it or not. So this time I knew what to expect and knew how I wanted things to go. Because that's what I am; a bit of a control freak. I liked it this December. I got to go to places I knew and when I wanted. I bought presents and I didn't have to send them millions of miles away.

Still somehow I broke to tears more than twice this week. Probably the most frustrating part of this is that there's no obvious reason. So imagine people asking "what is it?" for the millionth time and I just cannot answer. Although, I have been seeing quite weird and rather awful dreams lately. In these dreams I have done a tiny mistake which somehow has turned out to be really fatal — practically my main fear in life.

Here in Finland we celebrate Christmas on the 24th being the Christmas Eve which was yesterday. We had our grandparents over and had a lovely dinner followed by unwrapping the presents. It was wonderful again and I got way more excited I had expected. This morning I woke up from a terrible dream which practically ruined almost half of the day. Somehow having a shower always helps. I think there's been an actual study about this; washing the worries off.

Under all that vain worry and tension I found something. The best present I can get is dreaming. I got reminded about my trip to see my friends in Mid-Europe (departing on Sunday, yay!) and our plans for New Year's Eve amongst many more exciting things over in 2016. I love dreaming, I love planning and I love both of them so much I don't even mind if they never came to live. The world I can create inside my head is the most beautiful and safe place I know. All I need is a spark of inspiration which is given to me by the ones I love.

Merry Christmas. Keep dreaming.

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