20

Still not a grown-up.

Nope. Wasn't two years ago, wasn't a year ago and definitely aren't now either. My life changes each day, drastically, and yet I sort of like it that way. Some days I feel so sure of myself and where I'm going and then there are periods of time I feel like a 10-year-old never ready to leave home. It's confusing.

A year ago I talked about changes. Had I only known there were much more to come. It's been a whirlwind, this whole year. Somehow I've really loved it although it's been incredibly exhausting time to times. Changes don't scare me as much anymore. I'm not neutral but I know I can take them. I've grown, I've gained courage and knowledge.

Now that school's over I thought I'd be on my own. I couldn't have been more wrong. I have a bigger and more loving group of people than ever before. My friends and family are all kind of blending in my head. We're all a big family. We all care about each other. I'm part of something. 

Next year. I don't actually have a plan and, actually, I'm not scared. I'm not panicking and that feels great. I feel very young and alive, like never before. I've been a puppet in my own master plan. Now I'm finally the leader in that game. I've become a human during this year.

I want to see what's around the riverbed. I want to see where the wind takes me. I'm going to continue growing my confidence and courage. I want to get rid of being scared of absolutely everything. I want to live. This time I'm still not 22 yet, but I'm happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. It's been and it will be miserable and absolutely magical. 

photo credit // portaits by Suvi Ojala