graduation and a gap year

Had you been reading my blog for a while know you'd know I have a plan. There's always been a plan. And a back-up plan. And a back-up plan for the back-up plan. According to the past and the plan it's always been work, work, work and work even harder. During upper secondary I've been to the limit relatively many times and pushed myself over it a few. I've gained a lot and I am truly glad I've done the job properly. And then it ended.

About two months ago I walked out from my last exam. That marked the end of four years of upper secondary school and thirteen years of school in total. I wrote a few pieces on my first weeks of upper secondary. In one of them I stated: "I guess these upcoming four years are going to be extremely rough - or wonderful. I just have to find the right perspective." To look back, I had no idea back then. Things have changed so much, the world has changed in my eyes, I have changed.

Since March I’ve been lying low. I decided not to take any new projects and really use this time to back off. It’s been marvellous. I don’t miss school a bit, that is for yet. At the moment I’m working at a golf club just a stone’s throw away from my home. The working world is more than different to the school world. Firstly, I get paid. Secondly, I’m being treated as an adult. Thirdly, there’s no exams. It’s not what I want for the rest of my life and I really want to get a degree but for now this seems perfect.

My graduation was last weekend. It was truly the most perfect day all through. I drank champagne and talked and laughed so much it almost hurt. I was surrounded by people I love and care about and who love and care about me. I didn't need the prom to feel like a princess when I had a day like this. 

My 20th birthday will be this week. Every year I say the same thing: “I cannot believe I’m turning this and this much!” There are days I can comprehend it and then there are days I don’t think about it. And then there are days I feel like a twelve-year-old. Moving out feels a little less scary each day. Before that I’m going to enjoy my possibly last year home.

So what's following? I missed the university application deadlines. I was supposed to apply to Italy and a university in Finland too but I thought I am not ready to leave home, not just yet. That means I'm taking a gap year. The thought felt terrifying at first. Listening to my friends who had had a gap year made the concept seem okay. And then I realised that it’s possibly not what I want but perhaps just what I need.

Referring to the original plan it's work, work, work but work in humane limits and this time for money. I keep saying I'm going to figure it all out. The truth is I'm not, but somehow everyday it's all working out. Slowly I'm beginning to believe in guidelines instead of plans. 

image credit // top left and bottom by Jani Nordqvist

dress • Needle & Thread // shoes • Zara