I kept a journal during my exchange year and swore by heart I wouldn't read back for ages. As predicted I couldn't help myself and opened the sealed covers of this little masterpiece. I got to admit – some stories thoughts I've written I wish I didn't read again but the other ones are bursting with some deep thoughts, thoughts worth thinking again. You mind find this interesting as well. I hope you share your thoughts about my thoughts.
Australia · 9th of March · 11.43pm
Oh my Gosh! I cannot wait to get home and get my life sorted. It's funny how every single time I'm telling this same story — a prophecy — to myself and every time I believe it, every time I swear by it. I tell myself how moving somewhere is going to change my life and especially make it better when the reality is that the time nor the place matters when it comes to our happiness. It is ourselves what makes the difference.
We are constantly longing for something we make ourselves believe we need. I thought the exchange year will make my life change into a movie — which it time to time did. Then I got lonely and bored and decided New Zealand wasn't the place for me after all and started to wait for the day I'd get to move to Australia. Life got better but not as much as I had made myself believe. It's ironic how I just blindly believe myself every time.
At the moment I want to go back to Finland, back home; back to my room, get my hair cut... I assure myself — subconsciously — that my life will get better once I get my hair done. Maybe I know — subconsciously — that in the end there is only a disappointment waiting for me to see and acknowledge it.
My life probably won't get massively better once I return. But then again — this time I actually know what's waiting for me: I know my family, I know my culture. Or do I just tell myself I do? Now when I really think about it: how can I be so sure I know? I don't I want to but I can't. And that is really scary. It hasn't been scary before because I haven't thought about it. I have just assumed everything's gonna be the same without questioning anything.
There is a higher change thing's have changed than the change of everything staying the same. I'd be naive to thing everything and everyone would be waiting for me. I'll never be that important. And the thing is that no one is and no one should be. The only thing we should be waiting for is actually nothing. We don't just wait around in today's world. In today's world we have dreams, destinations and we work and work hard to reach them. We don't just sit around and wait for things to happen. We have to start somewhere. And we shouldn't be too afraid of disappointments because they are out there and they are unavoidable. I shouldn't be waiting to get to Finland to be able to do something with my life again. All time is precious. The time nor the place matters. I'm just as sick as my mind tells me to be. And going home is the pill that doesn't help. I need to tell myself to not be sick anymore.
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