anything is possible

We’ve heard the words a million times.

Dream big, achieve big is the mantra I live by, I’ve always had. Considering myself as something really special is both empowering and deceiving. It gives self-confidence but at the same time it creates an illusion that one would better than she or he is. This is what happened with me. I used to think I’m oh-so-special and during the last three years that bubble has broken and later been rebuilt little by little leaving holes to allow criticism and to see and understand the actualities (but not to rely on them too much). I’ve been sky high and I’ve been close to the bottom. Now I’m somewhere in between building my way up carefully and self-lovingly trying to remain somewhat down-to-earth.

Believing is vital but not enough. I believe in myself, I've always had. In upper secondary school I realised all that believing is wasted potential if it’s not used to anything. So I worked really hard to earn evidence, to show others and myself my worth and the worth of what I believe in. Because almost equals nothing in the end. The thought in my head is nothing to others because they cannot see or hear it. It exists only to me until I put it in action. To achieve something big others must see my greatness. They need evidence.

Not everything is meant to succeed, though. That is a brutal fact everyone needs to understand sooner or later. It’s a brutal world in that way. I thought I could do it all and it drowned me. One must learn when to give up because living in a fool's paradise is waste of time and potential in addition to it being so unhealthy to one's mind. You can't be an artist to earn your living if no one buys your art. Giving up on dreams hurts like hell but it’s better than living in denial.

I have big dreams and I am ready to work for them. I've questioned and criticised my dreams many, many times and pondered are they really what I want, worth all the time and effort. I've come to a conclusion that my dreams are what I live for. They are my safe place. They are the core meaning of my life.

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20

Still not a grown-up.

Nope. Wasn't two years ago, wasn't a year ago and definitely aren't now either. My life changes each day, drastically, and yet I sort of like it that way. Some days I feel so sure of myself and where I'm going and then there are periods of time I feel like a 10-year-old never ready to leave home. It's confusing.

A year ago I talked about changes. Had I only known there were much more to come. It's been a whirlwind, this whole year. Somehow I've really loved it although it's been incredibly exhausting time to times. Changes don't scare me as much anymore. I'm not neutral but I know I can take them. I've grown, I've gained courage and knowledge.

Now that school's over I thought I'd be on my own. I couldn't have been more wrong. I have a bigger and more loving group of people than ever before. My friends and family are all kind of blending in my head. We're all a big family. We all care about each other. I'm part of something. 

Next year. I don't actually have a plan and, actually, I'm not scared. I'm not panicking and that feels great. I feel very young and alive, like never before. I've been a puppet in my own master plan. Now I'm finally the leader in that game. I've become a human during this year.

I want to see what's around the riverbed. I want to see where the wind takes me. I'm going to continue growing my confidence and courage. I want to get rid of being scared of absolutely everything. I want to live. This time I'm still not 22 yet, but I'm happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. It's been and it will be miserable and absolutely magical. 

photo credit // portaits by Suvi Ojala

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