The Yellow Castle

Cold cafe au chocolate sits next to my macbook. My beautiful calendar lies on the left side. I have a need to surround myself with pretty things. I mean, I have scissors shaped as the Eiffel tower. I have a mustard yellow typewriter. I have a clapboard. I have a pretty decent collection of everything I will need in my own apartment. 

Since January, when Minttu moved to her own apartment I kinda got a moving fever. I go to IKEA far too often and end up having multiple interior plans for my apartment — which, to be clear, I don't even have yet and probably won't have for at least couple years. I google apartment blue prints, print them and start planning where I'd put my desk and clothing rack and so on. In a nutshell I go crazy with interior design.

This might be just a part of me realising I'm 18 and that I want to become an adult. I'm gonna state it again: for me the definition of being an adult is not about all the usual stuff {drinking alcohol, driving a car and so on}, for me the definition of being an adult is cooking parties. I guess it might seem and it might even be a bit pretentious but all my underaged life I've seen my parents having so much fun with their friends coming over, cooking together and sitting in the living room with fancy looking glasses of cognac {or whatever} and chatting. That's what I've been waiting for. And gosh, have I waited long.

I'm still living with my parents and I love it here, I really do. But a big part of me graves for an own apartment, The Yellow Castle. The Yellow Castle is a metaphor for my dream life. The Yellow Castle is the answer you get when you ask what I want to have when I'm grown-up. The Yellow Castle has high ceilings, a warm grey kitchen, beautiful bathrooms, a walk-in closet. Most of all it will be the perfect venue for cooking with friends, for sitting in the living room with friends listening to old blues.

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18

How am I supposed to do this?

I'm Kaisa, 18 and I do wear hats. My wardrobe is the replicate of Taylor Swift meats Spencer Hastings meats Blair Waldorf. My ideal self is the replicate of Taylor Swift meats Spencer Hastings meats Blair Waldorf. I guess you could call me mainstream. Don't, tho.

I haven't been doing nothing, if that's what you thought. No, I've been here and there. I came back from Australia {but that you already know, I hope} but then I met people, went to France, met more people got my driving licence, went to Austria and yesterday my little sister had her confirmation. I'm going back to school on Wednesday. See that odd girl in the art class? Yup, that's me. 

And then, next weekend, we are gonna have a cooking night with four of my friends at my best friend's own apartment. It's all very adult. This is what I've been waiting for my whole freaking life. A classy evening with my friends sipping white wine and eating delicious food while listening to my very self-explementary Spotify-playlist called "when I'm a happy grown-up in a big city drinking fancy coffee". Yup, it's a thing. Except it's not really a big city and possibly doesn't include coffee but you get the idea.

Being 18 doesn't necessarily mean being an adult. An adult would know how to spell "necessarily" without autocorrect {note-to-self}. Still, being able to drive the car, drink champagne and being treated as an adult means a lot to me. I don't know if it's just me, I feel like people take me more seriously now.

It's all very new and exciting. There is a certain glory. Honestly, I was so freaking excited going to the bank for the first time by myself, to get my own bank account information etc. You'd think it's oh-so-boring. I guess it kinda is, but just knowing these professional looking people don't treat or think of you as a kid makes my world. I get very excited every time I get a bill by mail. 

And even tho I'm not 22 yet, I still am happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time and it sure is miserable and magical. Yeah. So thank you Taylor Swift. You keep telling me how to do this 'cause it seems to work.

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Suomenlinna

A couple of weeks ago a little group including myself took a trip to Suomenlinna. It is a little island  at the front of Helsinki. It is a really beautiful place to visit on a nice summer day as the one we got blessed with. Just catch the ferry from Kauppatori square market and enjoy the sea and the wind, and before you know you're already in Suomenlinna. The gorgeous old houses and the gorgeous yet creepy old castle welcome you to the island. We loved to explore the dungeons and the tunnels as well as play hide and seek there when we were kids. Now I get so scared so easily I can't go near either of them alone. It's still loads of fun... with a group of people.

In the afternoon we had a little picnic on the rocks while watching the cruise ships pass by. If you ever find yourself on this island make sure to make a flower crown because there simply isn't a better way to make the day perfect.

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Jämsä 2015

If you've been following my blog for a while now you'd know I make an annual trip to one of my best friend's to Jämsä. We became friends with this particular person via internet of which you can find more about over here. Iida and I share a passion for photographing but both of us have been struggling with the lack of inspiration and motivation lately. Since neither of us had been photographing for the whole month of May we couldn't resist the urge to pick up the camera, for the old times' sake. I am proud to announce we did pretty well.

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thoughts from my journal

I kept a journal during my exchange year and swore by heart I wouldn't read back for ages. As predicted I couldn't help myself and opened the sealed covers of this little masterpiece. I got to admit – some stories thoughts I've written I wish I didn't read again but the other ones are bursting with some deep thoughts, thoughts worth thinking again. You mind find this interesting as well. I hope you share your thoughts about my thoughts.

Australia  ·  9th of March  ·  11.43pm

Oh my Gosh! I cannot wait to get home and get my life sorted. It's funny how every single time I'm telling this same story — a prophecy — to myself and every time I believe it, every time I swear by it. I tell myself how moving somewhere is going to change my life and especially make it better when the reality is that the time nor the place matters when it comes to our happiness. It is ourselves what makes the difference.

We are constantly longing for something we make ourselves believe we need. I thought the exchange year will make my life change into a movie — which it time to time did. Then I got lonely and bored and decided New Zealand wasn't the place for me after all and started to wait for the day I'd get to move to Australia. Life got better but not as much as I had made myself believe. It's ironic how I just blindly believe myself every time.

At the moment I want to go back to Finland, back home; back to my room, get my hair cut... I assure myself — subconsciously — that my life will get better once I get my hair done. Maybe I know — subconsciously — that in the end there is only a disappointment waiting for me to see and acknowledge it.

My life probably won't get massively better once I return. But then again — this time I actually know what's waiting for me: I know my family, I know my culture. Or do I just tell myself I do? Now when I really think about it: how can I be so sure I know? I don't I want to but I can't. And that is really scary. It hasn't been scary before because I haven't thought about it. I have just assumed everything's gonna be the same without questioning anything.

There is a higher change thing's have changed than the change of everything staying the same. I'd be naive to thing everything and everyone would be waiting for me. I'll never be that important. And the thing is that no one is and no one should be. The only thing we should be waiting for is actually nothing. We don't just wait around in today's world. In today's world we have dreams, destinations and we work and work hard to reach them. We don't just sit around and wait for things to happen. We have to start somewhere. And we shouldn't be too afraid of disappointments because they are out there and they are unavoidable. I shouldn't be waiting to get to Finland to be able to do something with my life again. All time is precious. The time nor the place matters. I'm just as sick as my mind tells me to be. And going home is the pill that doesn't help. I need to tell myself to not be sick anymore.

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