first autumn in university

My hair turned yellow. Taylor Swift's new album was horrible first but okay after a few rounds of listening. Wine, all kinds of wine, is really good. My brain is able to pull an accidental all-nighter. Turns out clothes don't wash themselves and the house is going to be cold if you forget to turn the heating on.

Autumn in London was magnificent. I am surprised the amount of anxiety I've had has been pretty much non-excistant. I have to be honest, when I first applied to this uni I was scared of how it was going to be. Of course, it's very different: it's not academic, it's not that theoretical, it's insanely intensive and most of all it's so much fun! 

We have a squad and it's just wonderful. We go to events together, we have parties together, we go out together, we have photo shoots together and we sit in the student lounge laughing at everything together.

I'm heading back home to Finland in a week. These three months have been filled with hallways, lectures, laughter and learning how to manage life on my own.

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Hello, I live here

Quoting myself: "To be honest, I'm starting to get jealous of myself." Ever since I got to London about a month ago things have taken, and get this, a really, and I mean a really good turn! First I must clarify that the way London works follows: every day you meet someone who knows someone who knows someone whose sister's husband's cousin can help you in one way or another. Either it's London or my karma is being extremely good.

So this is where I live now. I've been posting glorious pictures and videos on Instagram overlooking the rooftops of my street from my skylight or gazing to the great antique mirror on the other side of my attic room. A friend asked: "Were do you live?" to which I thought the only appropriate answer was "in heaven, obvs."

I've been getting home quite late this first week I've lived here. I climb the stares all the way to the third floor and collapse on my bed, on those pure white sheets and laugh out loud because that's how happy I am. Then I wake up in the morning either to the sun shining through the skylights or the rain quietly hitting the roof and I laugh out loud again because that's how happy I am.

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just London's luck

I have this one friend whose luck is unbelievable. Honestly! The most incredible things just happen to happen to her. I, on the other hand, am a person of relatively neutral excluding the fact that I seem to really attract accidents. But when I’m with my friend I get to enjoy a piece of her never-ending good luck. It’s either with her or in London, apparently.

I’ve had the most crazy, absurd good luck for the whole time I’ve been in this metropolitan. I’ve just happened to meet people who happen to work in the same industry I once wish to. I got a place to live at by a such a lucky coincidence. Above all, I haven’t gotten nor felt lost, anxious, unsure, sad, terrified… the list goes on.

I tried to keep panicking in the minimum before I got here. There was a lot of things to stress about and time to times I felt quite overwhelmed by it all. So it happens that mom and dad were right, after all: everything is sorting out better than I could have ever dreaded to dream. Was it faith, god or life that is holding me up I’m so very thankful of it all every single morning. I thank for this life and that it has taken me here, to London.

I feel very strongly I’ve entered a new chapter in my life. It feels like a completely different life, to be honest. It feels like mine but only the version that has ever only existed in my head, in my dreams. And now it’s true. Now I’m living it. I’m a bit scared it’s all just a very beautiful dream and that any moment now I’m going to wake up to half life.

I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m in the best place, mentally, I’ve never ever been. I have a new, wonderful city to explore, new people to meet and talk with and quite frankly — a tabula rasa in every way. For the first time ever this life feels completely mine. It’s the best feeling I’ve had in a while. And that is making me, slowly but firmly, trusting in life, faith and even luck.

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London baby!

My first week in London feels like a month, to be honest. There's so much to see and experience I keep forgetting I actually live here now. London is my home city now. So far I've been loving every bit of it: the unique people, the boiling hot tube, the architecture, the flukes. The city changes every day, every hour, even every minute and I think that is just amazing.

So what have I been up to? I've enjoyed lovely afternoon teas (yes, multiple times) in Covent Garden. I've carried numerous bags from Westfield after hours of shopping. I've sat in the library completing university's pre-arrival tasks ("Sunglasses" seen above). Last but not least I've attended London Fashion Week with the company of the ever-so-lovely Veera who was visiting London last weekend. I found a beautiful rose-golden ring by Tada & Toy to mark this new beginning in my life.

I'm in love with this city I can call my home. I'm in love with this life of mine and where it has taken me. I'm in love with the words one of my friends wrote: "Maailmalla on tapana antaa ja kantaa, kun luotat sen voimaan" (translates to: "The world has a habit of giving and carrying when you trust its power")

nail polish • Essie "eternal optimist" // ring • Michal Negrin

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autumn is here!

Aaaand I love it! This is my absolute favourite time of the year! Primarily all the earthy colours of nature, fashion and mind are just so relaxing and comfortable. Secondarily my life seems to take a whole new turn at this time of the year and it's oh-so-exciting.

As I'm eagerly waiting for Saturday when I move to London I've been busy enough to almost forget it. It's been a whirlwind of meeting friends, shopping for necessities and constant panicking over accommodation. Last week the latter sorted itself out so now I'm light at mind and sleeping through the nights.

Amongst all the more or less fun running of errands I've somehow managed to make time to attend the Gloria fashion show held in Helsinki's Cable Factory. It was a magnificent event and, in my opinion, more enjoyable than Aalto's show. I still have one more fashion show left in Finland and then I'm heading to the London fashion week with one of my best friends. I can't wait!

Last Sunday we went on a little day trip to Tallinn with mum. I got my head messed up by the sea sickness pills and so the day was sort of a haze. Still, we enjoyed delicious Indian food, found a great sock shop and took a few photos every here and there. In the picture I'm wearing this beige sweater from & Other Stories which, by the way, is the softest piece of clothing I've probably ever worn. I've been basically living in this sweater and constantly painting my nails in this dark red Essie polish called shall we chalet. Did I already mention I love the autumn colours?

Some very good things (in addition to those mentioned above):

Baby Driver (2017)

Game of Thrones

& Other Stories

white wine

horse riding in pouring rain

oversized washed denim jacket and dark red lipstick

my 'London Baby!' Spotify playlist featuring:

No Other Way by Paolo Nutini

BLIZZARD by Fauve

I Don't Know by Wax Tailor

Daddy Issues by The Neighbourhood

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jealousy

It only takes your time and eats your mind. Why is it that we look at the next person with a silent disgusted look on our face? I always say how I don't want to spread hatred or jealousy yet time after time, amongst certain people I can't help but feel I'm lacking something and they have it. It's an unwanted competition I try to walk away from but the toxins are already loose and oh, the temptation to give in to them is luring.

When I sit there and the other one tells about the things I get jealous of I try to think it this way: it’s their life, it’s their choices and their values. Mine might be more or less different but nevertheless capital M mine. In this life of mine I get what I’m given and I can make the most out of that. I’ve been given so much — much more than most — and still there will always be others who have been given more. It’s not my loss. However, it is my loss if I give in to jealousy. I don’t know why is it so hard to remember there’s no gain in jealousy but the absolute opposite.

Today I took the train to the capital. As I was sitting face towards a window on the other side of the corridor uncertainty stroke me. I started looking around: what were others wearing, who were they with, what were they like. I regretted what I had chosen to wear, which choices I had made with my look, with my values, with my life. Before I knew the toxins were eating my confidence. Lord, I hated it. So I popped my headphones in my ears and turned up mellow beats. I shaped up and put my elbow on the windowsill, closed my eyes and started tapping the floor to the rhythm. I played piano with the fingers of my right hand. I opened my eyes and there was an old man standing in the lobby of the train, tapping the floor with his foot in the same beat, looking at me and smiling. I smiled back.

As I understand it, jealousy is about not feeling enough. We need attention. We need recognition. Well, at least I do. One smile, that’s all it took to vanish the toxins. One smile and I gained back my confidence. I got that smile by not envying the others but fighting against it.

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scrap that!

It seems that the life has always something drastic planned for the end of the summer. Somehow things escalate and I find myself in an odd and new situation. Call it my subconscious or fate or something completely else everything needs to change when we hit August. That's what I always joke about: for me the new year starts in August, not in January.

Life-update! I am on my own and off to London. That happened quickly you might mumble — believe me I do too. So I might have noticed some clearing places available at the uni of my dreams and I might have applied and I might have even gotten accepted. Yesterday. Last time I wrote about dreams and how they require work and a tiny bit of luck. I realised I feel like I've never done enough and I'm really not the number one believer in luck. Yet somehow I happened achieve something I thought was completely out of my reach.

Yesterday was a truly wonderful day and as I walked home I had to genuinely smile the whole way. Part of my joy comes from freedom and excitement of London. Part of it comes from the creative space I've only recently re-entered. I've sworn I'm officially the worst at making up stories. I come up with an idea for a scene but that's about as far as I can get. Scrap that. This week I was at a bookshop with my sister and browsing through the paperbacks when I noticed an interesting title. Of course I misread it and in the end it wasn't that interesting at all. But what I thought I read sticked to my mind and slowly it escalated me creating a storyline in my head. I got home and grabbed my notebook and started writing. I've been writing the whole week and have five whole chapters ready.

My life is yelling scrap that! straight at my face and I think it's about the time to start listening. It's a new beginning — once again — and a chance to let go of prejudices of what I think I can or cannot do and what can or cannot happen. It came to the point I was yet again panicking about the accommodation in London when I realised it's all going to sort out, not on it's own for sure, but there's really no need to panic. And I scrapped it all and tossed it in the bin. Life is life and you know what: London baby!

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anything is possible

We’ve heard the words a million times.

Dream big, achieve big is the mantra I live by, I’ve always had. Considering myself as something really special is both empowering and deceiving. It gives self-confidence but at the same time it creates an illusion that one would better than she or he is. This is what happened with me. I used to think I’m oh-so-special and during the last three years that bubble has broken and later been rebuilt little by little leaving holes to allow criticism and to see and understand the actualities (but not to rely on them too much). I’ve been sky high and I’ve been close to the bottom. Now I’m somewhere in between building my way up carefully and self-lovingly trying to remain somewhat down-to-earth.

Believing is vital but not enough. I believe in myself, I've always had. In upper secondary school I realised all that believing is wasted potential if it’s not used to anything. So I worked really hard to earn evidence, to show others and myself my worth and the worth of what I believe in. Because almost equals nothing in the end. The thought in my head is nothing to others because they cannot see or hear it. It exists only to me until I put it in action. To achieve something big others must see my greatness. They need evidence.

Not everything is meant to succeed, though. That is a brutal fact everyone needs to understand sooner or later. It’s a brutal world in that way. I thought I could do it all and it drowned me. One must learn when to give up because living in a fool's paradise is waste of time and potential in addition to it being so unhealthy to one's mind. You can't be an artist to earn your living if no one buys your art. Giving up on dreams hurts like hell but it’s better than living in denial.

I have big dreams and I am ready to work for them. I've questioned and criticised my dreams many, many times and pondered are they really what I want, worth all the time and effort. I've come to a conclusion that my dreams are what I live for. They are my safe place. They are the core meaning of my life.

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20

Still not a grown-up.

Nope. Wasn't two years ago, wasn't a year ago and definitely aren't now either. My life changes each day, drastically, and yet I sort of like it that way. Some days I feel so sure of myself and where I'm going and then there are periods of time I feel like a 10-year-old never ready to leave home. It's confusing.

A year ago I talked about changes. Had I only known there were much more to come. It's been a whirlwind, this whole year. Somehow I've really loved it although it's been incredibly exhausting time to times. Changes don't scare me as much anymore. I'm not neutral but I know I can take them. I've grown, I've gained courage and knowledge.

Now that school's over I thought I'd be on my own. I couldn't have been more wrong. I have a bigger and more loving group of people than ever before. My friends and family are all kind of blending in my head. We're all a big family. We all care about each other. I'm part of something. 

Next year. I don't actually have a plan and, actually, I'm not scared. I'm not panicking and that feels great. I feel very young and alive, like never before. I've been a puppet in my own master plan. Now I'm finally the leader in that game. I've become a human during this year.

I want to see what's around the riverbed. I want to see where the wind takes me. I'm going to continue growing my confidence and courage. I want to get rid of being scared of absolutely everything. I want to live. This time I'm still not 22 yet, but I'm happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. It's been and it will be miserable and absolutely magical. 

photo credit // portaits by Suvi Ojala

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Prague

Praaaague! We went on a little vacation to the Czech Republic and it was the best thing ever! The Saturday following my birthday we walked in the doors of the beautiful hotel we stayed in. First thing we get upgraded to a fancier room and, my lord, we were just over the moon! We caught the sunset as we walked to the castle of Prague after having had a delicious local dinner of goulash.

The city was so beautiful. My feet hurt the whole Sunday but there was so much to see I kept going with a bit of complaining now and then, as you do. We walked through all the major attractions. My favourite thing over everything else was the cafés. We stumbled upon the most gorgeous places such as the Národní Kavárna, Café Louvre and Palanda (aka the BEST burgers!. The waiters called me madam and it was oh-so-fancy in every way.

Max took me to the historical fort of Vyšehrad on Sunday. Behind the great brick walls opened the most magnificent view. Another magnificent view was in the shopping galleries: hundreds of shops with crystal clear windows. It wasn't a shopping trip, per se, but I couldn't help but pick up a gorgeous blue swimsuit from Topshop and a pair of black Bata heals not to forget the Czech sparkling wine that we are yet to try.

It was honestly the most wonderful vacation! I'll be back without a doubt. I fell in love with the city, the light, the food and the atmosphere. Prague made it easily to the top 3 of my favourite places.

On to my holiday wardrobe. The first day I chose to wear classic navy shorts from Zara and a light cotton shirt. It's usually quite cold in planes so I threw over my favourite piece of clothing at the moment, the light blue cashmere sweater from & Other Stories. I've come to a conclusion this sweater is one of the best things I've ever owned. It's light and travels easily in the handbag. The colour goes surprisingly well with almost everything.  Another must-have is my black leather Longchamp I got from mom. It's the perfect size to fit a camera, a notebook, a water bottle and the essentials.

On the second day I wore blue gingham shorts or as I refer them: the pic-nic shorts from Zara. I paired them with this gorgeous new lace top I got from JC and a boater hat I had been on a hunt for for ages. My trusty Australian Steve Madden sandals went perfectly with the outfit but unfortunately didn't really nurture my feet after tens of kilometres of walking.

On the third day I dropped the hat and changed the short+top to this lace dress I got from Asos. It's the same Zoella had last summer and that I craved already back then but it had sold out. So when I realised they had brought it back this summer I instantly ordered it. It's very loose and light weight so it's just perfect for those +30C days when it's almost too hot to wear anything. The dress is so soft and I'm absolutely in love with it! It's definitely part of my Midsummer look.

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graduation and a gap year

Had you been reading my blog for a while know you'd know I have a plan. There's always been a plan. And a back-up plan. And a back-up plan for the back-up plan. According to the past and the plan it's always been work, work, work and work even harder. During upper secondary I've been to the limit relatively many times and pushed myself over it a few. I've gained a lot and I am truly glad I've done the job properly. And then it ended.

About two months ago I walked out from my last exam. That marked the end of four years of upper secondary school and thirteen years of school in total. I wrote a few pieces on my first weeks of upper secondary. In one of them I stated: "I guess these upcoming four years are going to be extremely rough - or wonderful. I just have to find the right perspective." To look back, I had no idea back then. Things have changed so much, the world has changed in my eyes, I have changed.

Since March I’ve been lying low. I decided not to take any new projects and really use this time to back off. It’s been marvellous. I don’t miss school a bit, that is for yet. At the moment I’m working at a golf club just a stone’s throw away from my home. The working world is more than different to the school world. Firstly, I get paid. Secondly, I’m being treated as an adult. Thirdly, there’s no exams. It’s not what I want for the rest of my life and I really want to get a degree but for now this seems perfect.

My graduation was last weekend. It was truly the most perfect day all through. I drank champagne and talked and laughed so much it almost hurt. I was surrounded by people I love and care about and who love and care about me. I didn't need the prom to feel like a princess when I had a day like this. 

My 20th birthday will be this week. Every year I say the same thing: “I cannot believe I’m turning this and this much!” There are days I can comprehend it and then there are days I don’t think about it. And then there are days I feel like a twelve-year-old. Moving out feels a little less scary each day. Before that I’m going to enjoy my possibly last year home.

So what's following? I missed the university application deadlines. I was supposed to apply to Italy and a university in Finland too but I thought I am not ready to leave home, not just yet. That means I'm taking a gap year. The thought felt terrifying at first. Listening to my friends who had had a gap year made the concept seem okay. And then I realised that it’s possibly not what I want but perhaps just what I need.

Referring to the original plan it's work, work, work but work in humane limits and this time for money. I keep saying I'm going to figure it all out. The truth is I'm not, but somehow everyday it's all working out. Slowly I'm beginning to believe in guidelines instead of plans. 

image credit // top left and bottom by Jani Nordqvist

dress • Needle & Thread // shoes • Zara

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the gang is back!

After nine months of separation the crew has reunited! I have missed us so much during our time apart. Now that we got our ginger back from the North the summer has officially started.

It's almost needless to say we're best friends. We're a team. So when Ellu stepped out of the train to the platform I almost started weeping. So far we've driven around in the dark, talked, laughed, walked miles for pizza and had a little photoshoot by the lake. Sadly enough we missed the golden light but there was still a bit of that gorgeous sunset left for us to gaze at.

sweater • & Other Stories // flats • Steve Madden

shirt • Thrills Company // shorts • Zara

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sunset over aéroport

Friday, happy day! It had hit twenty degrees in the morning when I woke up so I knew it was going to be a great day. In Finland the summer is brief and breezy so one has to take it all out of what we get. As much as I love Autumn, there's nothing better than a lovely summer day after a half a year's worth of winter torpor. Some friends and I drove up to the unofficial airport lookout to enjoy the gorgeous sunset and a warm wind, dreaming of the places we could travel as the airplanes landed and took off above us. 

I've been hoarding – yes, actually hoarding – summer clothing since March. Zara has had some marvellous things in lately of which I'm really glad as their clothes are affordable yet rather good quality.

I found these blue gingham check shorts about a month ago and been dying to wear them. Now, obviously plus five degrees haven't really served the purpose of summer weather so the shorts have had to sit and wait in the closet – until now! I feel like these are the perfect pic-nic shorts and definitely a staple in my summer wardrobe.

The rusty red loafers are also from Zara. I like to buy so-called one-summer shoes that I can wear at 3am without worry of them getting dirty etc. These loafers, despite their price, are really smart-looking and actually quite good quality. I absolutely love the colour. The red brings that nice pop in every outfit and even though red might be considered as a "difficult colour" this shade is incredibly easy to pair with practically every colour. 

shirt • Princess Highway (Australia) // sunglasses • Vogue

watch • Daniel Wellington // earrings • House of Elliot 

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post-finals stress relief treatment

I can't count how many sandwiches I made during the last two weeks. I don't want to see a single math book ever again! The finals are over yet again but I can't seem to switch off. It just takes time, I guess. All that stress needs time to fade off. Here's how:

I've been sleeping like the beauty. I've been watching movies and playing piano. I've been doing things that I love. I returned to the books of the living. It's a good-bye to flash cards and a hello to paint brushes and afternoon teas.

I've seen friends and got some new ones. We sat in a coffee shop thrilled of excitement, talking about our amazing plans for our futures and realising there are good people left in this mad world. I've been so set to my usual patterns for a while now. Today I realised I want to see new films, listen to new music and meet new people in addition to the dear ones I know and have.

It's the light and the warmth. Winter is always tough. I've never been a fan of Spring either but this year there's something sparkling in it. I've said I had the best summer of my life regarding the last one. Now I have a feeling this might just edge it off. I'm excited, for the first time in a while!

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the emotional rollercoaster of finals

The daunting door of the auditorium is staring at me. It's less scary than the one of the hall. I have half of my possession stacked in a basket that I'm carrying. It's been over ten years of education and here I finally am feeling the most certain and uncertain of what will follow. There's no point adding up the points I already have: it will be what it will be despite the fives and threes.

The topics look clear. I look through the material: nothing interesting really. Luckily the third title allows me to write about philosophical nothings and nice make-the-world-better blah blah blahs. In half an hour I'm done with the mind-maps but I'm concerned with my rapid time-management and decide to spent another hour on planning.

The first draft is a messy word-vomit on the paper. It's not even long enough. So I scratch that and start over. There's a lot to fix and I spent the next hours trying to make my best effort resulting in the second draft. It's still too short and doesn't feel right at all.

There's still a little over an hour left but the blister on my middle finger is crying out of pain and my head isn't feeling the lightest either. I get myself together after a brutal pep-talk and start to work on the third and hopefully the last version. I have to force myself out of my comfort zones, to think outside the box but it all is worth it in the end. I get to hand in the most perfect paper I could have produce in those six hours and possibly one of my best works.

I run out full of cafeine or euphoria or the two mixed together and declaring the world of my success. The tears of joy quickly turn into the tears of sorrow as I slouch from the philosophy exam and into the tears of pure disappointment as my bliss gets wrecked by the reality of the english results. That is followed by two hours of crying and comforting words in the phone. I am, like we say in Finland, as if I had sold my country. 

Nevertheless, I eventually get over it and move on to painting with watercolours and dreaming of a beautiful afternoon in a beautiful living room reading magazines. 

photo from Wes Anderson's ingenious The Royal Tenenbaums 

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treasures

I'm a hoarder of beautiful things. I am very proud of my absolutely gorgeous collection of magazines and coffee table books. It's not just any magazine or tin box I save, no no no. I've always had a very precise visual eye meaning only the best and most perfect items find their way to my shelves.

On the bookshelf

Printing photos has risen to the level of a guilty pleasure. I might honestly drown in them. I absolutely love scrapbooking and putting together albums — anything involving layouts, really. What I do is I pick free catalogues from stores, cut nice pictures out of them and just paste on notebooks, boxes, albums, you name it!

On my bookshelf lies also the box of letters. I don't even know where to start with these. There's something wondrous in written words. It's the effort, I guess. The stories come from the next town and a million miles away.

On the desk

By accident I have a little bit of a red theme going on at the moment. These all are little nicknacks I've gotten as souvenirs or second-handed from mom's drawers. The typewriter is one of my most precious treasures. It was an 18th birthday present collecting dust on the desk. In addition to being a real beauty there's nothing more inspiring than the sound of typewriter. 

Keep it quirky and store your painting brushes in a vase. Speaking of quirky, that's possibly the main criteria here. The more obscure and peculiar the more compelling. I'm a curious person.

mug • Maxwell Williams (Australia) // daily journal • Frankie (Australia) // double decker • Churchill's // phone case • Cath Kidston

In the wardrobe

My wardrobe is far from Carrie's astonishing walk-in, but it's a start. The clothes would be too much to feature so I'm focusing on the middle shelf. A few thick-paged fashion magazines out of which the Gentlewoman is my all time favourite. There's also my Icons of Women's Style I got for Christmas a few years ago. When in doubt, trust in Grace.

envelope bag • Marc by Marc Jacobs // the Gentlewoman // L' Officiel de la couture et de la mode de Paris // the Marc O'Polo Diary SS/16 // Icons of Women's Style • Josh Sims

On the second chair

I used to do ballet when I was little and recently I got into it again. The slippers have been in my possession for just a short amount of time but have already a special place in my heart. The Louis Vuitton is a present I am almost afraid to touch and I protect it with my life once it's out. The tiny mirror is, once again, gotten from mom and at least as special as the typewriter. I like to consider it as my lucky charm.

ballet slippers • Bloch

On the vanity

I'm skimpy when it comes to makeup. The other day I realised I've only ever bought one palette and the rest is inherited from mom's hand-me-downs. A glorious gem of mine is the motorcycle tin box in which I keep my bobby pins and hair bobbles. I've loved this box as long as I can remember and finally sort of borrowed it and never returned it. 

purse • by Malene Birger // lipstick • YSL Rouge Volupte 14 // makeup brushes • Zoeva // earrings • house of Elliot // watch • Daniel Wellington // sunglasses • Vogue

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