20

Still not a grown-up.

Nope. Wasn't two years ago, wasn't a year ago and definitely aren't now either. My life changes each day, drastically, and yet I sort of like it that way. Some days I feel so sure of myself and where I'm going and then there are periods of time I feel like a 10-year-old never ready to leave home. It's confusing.

A year ago I talked about changes. Had I only known there were much more to come. It's been a whirlwind, this whole year. Somehow I've really loved it although it's been incredibly exhausting time to times. Changes don't scare me as much anymore. I'm not neutral but I know I can take them. I've grown, I've gained courage and knowledge.

Now that school's over I thought I'd be on my own. I couldn't have been more wrong. I have a bigger and more loving group of people than ever before. My friends and family are all kind of blending in my head. We're all a big family. We all care about each other. I'm part of something. 

Next year. I don't actually have a plan and, actually, I'm not scared. I'm not panicking and that feels great. I feel very young and alive, like never before. I've been a puppet in my own master plan. Now I'm finally the leader in that game. I've become a human during this year.

I want to see what's around the riverbed. I want to see where the wind takes me. I'm going to continue growing my confidence and courage. I want to get rid of being scared of absolutely everything. I want to live. This time I'm still not 22 yet, but I'm happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. It's been and it will be miserable and absolutely magical. 

photo credit // portaits by Suvi Ojala

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Prague

Praaaague! We went on a little vacation to the Czech Republic and it was the best thing ever! The Saturday following my birthday we walked in the doors of the beautiful hotel we stayed in. First thing we get upgraded to a fancier room and, my lord, we were just over the moon! We caught the sunset as we walked to the castle of Prague after having had a delicious local dinner of goulash.

The city was so beautiful. My feet hurt the whole Sunday but there was so much to see I kept going with a bit of complaining now and then, as you do. We walked through all the major attractions. My favourite thing over everything else was the cafés. We stumbled upon the most gorgeous places such as the Národní Kavárna, Café Louvre and Palanda (aka the BEST burgers!. The waiters called me madam and it was oh-so-fancy in every way.

Max took me to the historical fort of Vyšehrad on Sunday. Behind the great brick walls opened the most magnificent view. Another magnificent view was in the shopping galleries: hundreds of shops with crystal clear windows. It wasn't a shopping trip, per se, but I couldn't help but pick up a gorgeous blue swimsuit from Topshop and a pair of black Bata heals not to forget the Czech sparkling wine that we are yet to try.

It was honestly the most wonderful vacation! I'll be back without a doubt. I fell in love with the city, the light, the food and the atmosphere. Prague made it easily to the top 3 of my favourite places.

On to my holiday wardrobe. The first day I chose to wear classic navy shorts from Zara and a light cotton shirt. It's usually quite cold in planes so I threw over my favourite piece of clothing at the moment, the light blue cashmere sweater from & Other Stories. I've come to a conclusion this sweater is one of the best things I've ever owned. It's light and travels easily in the handbag. The colour goes surprisingly well with almost everything.  Another must-have is my black leather Longchamp I got from mom. It's the perfect size to fit a camera, a notebook, a water bottle and the essentials.

On the second day I wore blue gingham shorts or as I refer them: the pic-nic shorts from Zara. I paired them with this gorgeous new lace top I got from JC and a boater hat I had been on a hunt for for ages. My trusty Australian Steve Madden sandals went perfectly with the outfit but unfortunately didn't really nurture my feet after tens of kilometres of walking.

On the third day I dropped the hat and changed the short+top to this lace dress I got from Asos. It's the same Zoella had last summer and that I craved already back then but it had sold out. So when I realised they had brought it back this summer I instantly ordered it. It's very loose and light weight so it's just perfect for those +30C days when it's almost too hot to wear anything. The dress is so soft and I'm absolutely in love with it! It's definitely part of my Midsummer look.

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graduation and a gap year

Had you been reading my blog for a while know you'd know I have a plan. There's always been a plan. And a back-up plan. And a back-up plan for the back-up plan. According to the past and the plan it's always been work, work, work and work even harder. During upper secondary I've been to the limit relatively many times and pushed myself over it a few. I've gained a lot and I am truly glad I've done the job properly. And then it ended.

About two months ago I walked out from my last exam. That marked the end of four years of upper secondary school and thirteen years of school in total. I wrote a few pieces on my first weeks of upper secondary. In one of them I stated: "I guess these upcoming four years are going to be extremely rough - or wonderful. I just have to find the right perspective." To look back, I had no idea back then. Things have changed so much, the world has changed in my eyes, I have changed.

Since March I’ve been lying low. I decided not to take any new projects and really use this time to back off. It’s been marvellous. I don’t miss school a bit, that is for yet. At the moment I’m working at a golf club just a stone’s throw away from my home. The working world is more than different to the school world. Firstly, I get paid. Secondly, I’m being treated as an adult. Thirdly, there’s no exams. It’s not what I want for the rest of my life and I really want to get a degree but for now this seems perfect.

My graduation was last weekend. It was truly the most perfect day all through. I drank champagne and talked and laughed so much it almost hurt. I was surrounded by people I love and care about and who love and care about me. I didn't need the prom to feel like a princess when I had a day like this. 

My 20th birthday will be this week. Every year I say the same thing: “I cannot believe I’m turning this and this much!” There are days I can comprehend it and then there are days I don’t think about it. And then there are days I feel like a twelve-year-old. Moving out feels a little less scary each day. Before that I’m going to enjoy my possibly last year home.

So what's following? I missed the university application deadlines. I was supposed to apply to Italy and a university in Finland too but I thought I am not ready to leave home, not just yet. That means I'm taking a gap year. The thought felt terrifying at first. Listening to my friends who had had a gap year made the concept seem okay. And then I realised that it’s possibly not what I want but perhaps just what I need.

Referring to the original plan it's work, work, work but work in humane limits and this time for money. I keep saying I'm going to figure it all out. The truth is I'm not, but somehow everyday it's all working out. Slowly I'm beginning to believe in guidelines instead of plans. 

image credit // top left and bottom by Jani Nordqvist

dress • Needle & Thread // shoes • Zara

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the gang is back!

After nine months of separation the crew has reunited! I have missed us so much during our time apart. Now that we got our ginger back from the North the summer has officially started.

It's almost needless to say we're best friends. We're a team. So when Ellu stepped out of the train to the platform I almost started weeping. So far we've driven around in the dark, talked, laughed, walked miles for pizza and had a little photoshoot by the lake. Sadly enough we missed the golden light but there was still a bit of that gorgeous sunset left for us to gaze at.

sweater • & Other Stories // flats • Steve Madden

shirt • Thrills Company // shorts • Zara

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sunset over aéroport

Friday, happy day! It had hit twenty degrees in the morning when I woke up so I knew it was going to be a great day. In Finland the summer is brief and breezy so one has to take it all out of what we get. As much as I love Autumn, there's nothing better than a lovely summer day after a half a year's worth of winter torpor. Some friends and I drove up to the unofficial airport lookout to enjoy the gorgeous sunset and a warm wind, dreaming of the places we could travel as the airplanes landed and took off above us. 

I've been hoarding – yes, actually hoarding – summer clothing since March. Zara has had some marvellous things in lately of which I'm really glad as their clothes are affordable yet rather good quality.

I found these blue gingham check shorts about a month ago and been dying to wear them. Now, obviously plus five degrees haven't really served the purpose of summer weather so the shorts have had to sit and wait in the closet – until now! I feel like these are the perfect pic-nic shorts and definitely a staple in my summer wardrobe.

The rusty red loafers are also from Zara. I like to buy so-called one-summer shoes that I can wear at 3am without worry of them getting dirty etc. These loafers, despite their price, are really smart-looking and actually quite good quality. I absolutely love the colour. The red brings that nice pop in every outfit and even though red might be considered as a "difficult colour" this shade is incredibly easy to pair with practically every colour. 

shirt • Princess Highway (Australia) // sunglasses • Vogue

watch • Daniel Wellington // earrings • House of Elliot 

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