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12 September 2017

Aaaand I love it! This is my absolute favourite time of the year! Primarily all the earthy colours of nature, fashion and mind are just so relaxing and comfortable. Secondarily my life seems to take a whole new turn at this time of the year and it's oh-so-exciting.

As I'm eagerly waiting for Saturday when I move to London I've been busy enough to almost forget it. It's been a whirlwind of meeting friends, shopping for necessities and constant panicking over accommodation. Last week the latter sorted itself out so now I'm light at mind and sleeping through the nights.

Amongst all the more or less fun running of errands I've somehow managed to make time to attend the Gloria fashion show held in Helsinki's Cable Factory. It was a magnificent event and, in my opinion, more enjoyable than Aalto's show. I still have one more fashion show left in Finland and then I'm heading to the London fashion week with one of my best friends. I can't wait!

Last Sunday we went on a little day trip to Tallinn with mum. I got my head messed up by the sea sickness pills and so the day was sort of a haze. Still, we enjoyed delicious Indian food, found a great sock shop and took a few photos every here and there. In the picture I'm wearing this beige sweater from & Other Stories which, by the way, is the softest piece of clothing I've probably ever worn. I've been basically living in this sweater and constantly painting my nails in this dark red Essie polish called shall we chalet. Did I already mention I love the autumn colours?

Some very good things (in addition to those mentioned above):
Baby Driver (2017)
Game of Thrones
& Other Stories
white wine
horse riding in pouring rain
oversized washed denim jacket and dark red lipstick
my 'London Baby!' Spotify playlist featuring:
No Other Way by Paolo Nutini
I Don't Know by Wax Tailor
Daddy Issues by The Neighbourhood

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3 September 2017

It only takes your time and eats your mind. Why is it that we look at the next person with a silent disgusted look on our face? I always say how I don't want to spread hatred or jealousy yet time after time, amongst certain people I can't help but feel I'm lacking something and they have it. It's an unwanted competition I try to walk away from but the toxins are already loose and oh, the temptation to give in to them is luring.

When I sit there and the other one tells about the things I get jealous of I try to think it this way: it’s their life, it’s their choices and their values. Mine might be more or less different but nevertheless capital M mine. In this life of mine I get what I’m given and I can make the most out of that. I’ve been given so much — much more than most — and still there will always be others who have been given more. It’s not my loss. However, it is my loss if I give in to jealousy. I don’t know why is it so hard to remember there’s no gain in jealousy but the absolute opposite.

Today I took the train to the capital. As I was sitting face towards a window on the other side of the corridor uncertainty stroke me. I started looking around: what were others wearing, who were they with, what were they like. I regretted what I had chosen to wear, which choices I had made with my look, with my values, with my life. Before I knew the toxins were eating my confidence. Lord, I hated it. So I popped my headphones in my ears and turned up mellow beats. I shaped up and put my elbow on the windowsill, closed my eyes and started tapping the floor to the rhythm. I played piano with the fingers of my right hand. I opened my eyes and there was an old man standing in the lobby of the train, tapping the floor with his foot in the same beat, looking at me and smiling. I smiled back.

As I understand it, jealousy is about not feeling enough. We need attention. We need recognition. Well, at least I do. One smile, that’s all it took to vanish the toxins. One smile and I gained back my confidence. I got that smile by not envying the others but fighting against it.
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12 August 2017

It seems that the life has always something drastic planned for the end of the summer. Somehow things escalate and I find myself in an odd and new situation. Call it my subconscious or fate or something completely else everything needs to change when we hit August. That's what I always joke about: for me the new year starts in August, not in January.

Life-update! I am on my own and off to London. That happened quickly you might mumble — believe me I do too. So I might have noticed some clearing places available at the uni of my dreams and I might have applied and I might have even gotten accepted. Yesterday. Last time I wrote about dreams and how they require work and a tiny bit of luck. I realised I feel like I've never done enough and I'm really not the number one believer in luck. Yet somehow I happened achieve something I thought was completely out of my reach.

Yesterday was a truly wonderful day and as I walked home I had to genuinely smile the whole way. Part of my joy comes from freedom and excitement of London. Part of it comes from the creative space I've only recently re-entered. I've sworn I'm officially the worst at making up stories. I come up with an idea for a scene but that's about as far as I can get. Scrap that. This week I was at a bookshop with my sister and browsing through the paperbacks when I noticed an interesting title. Of course I misread it and in the end it wasn't that interesting at all. But what I thought I read sticked to my mind and slowly it escalated me creating a storyline in my head. I got home and grabbed my notebook and started writing. I've been writing the whole week and have five whole chapters ready.

My life is yelling scrap that! straight at my face and I think it's about the time to start listening. It's a new beginning — once again — and a chance to let go of prejudices of what I think I can or cannot do and what can or cannot happen. It came to the point I was yet again panicking about the accommodation in London when I realised it's all going to sort out, not on it's own for sure, but there's really no need to panic. And I scrapped it all and tossed it in the bin. Life is life and you know what: London baby!
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22 July 2017

We’ve heard the words a million times.

Dream big, achieve big is the mantra I live by, I’ve always had. Considering myself as something really special is both empowering and deceiving. It gives self-confidence but at the same time it creates an illusion that one would better than she or he is. This is what happened with me. I used to think I’m oh-so-special and during the last three years that bubble has broken and later been rebuilt little by little leaving holes to allow criticism and to see and understand the actualities (but not to rely on them too much). I’ve been sky high and I’ve been close to the bottom. Now I’m somewhere in between building my way up carefully and self-lovingly trying to remain somewhat down-to-earth.

Believing is vital but not enough. I believe in myself, I've always had. In upper secondary school I realised all that believing is wasted potential if it’s not used to anything. So I worked really hard to earn evidence, to show others and myself my worth and the worth of what I believe in. Because almost equals nothing in the end. The thought in my head is nothing to others because they cannot see or hear it. It exists only to me until I put it in action. To achieve something big others must see my greatness. They need evidence.

Not everything is meant to succeed, though. That is a brutal fact everyone needs to understand sooner or later. It’s a brutal world in that way. I thought I could do it all and it drowned me. One must learn when to give up because living in a fool's paradise is waste of time and potential in addition to it being so unhealthy to one's mind. You can't be an artist to earn your living if no one buys your art. Giving up on dreams hurts like hell but it’s better than living in denial.

I have big dreams and I am ready to work for them. I've questioned and criticised my dreams many, many times and pondered are they really what I want, worth all the time and effort. I've come to a conclusion that my dreams are what I live for. They are my safe place. They are the core meaning of my life.
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5 July 2017


Still not a grown-up.

Nope. Wasn't two years ago, wasn't a year ago and definitely aren't now either. My life changes each day, drastically, and yet I sort of like it that way. Some days I feel so sure of myself and where I'm going and then there are periods of time I feel like a 10-year-old never ready to leave home. It's confusing.

A year ago I talked about changes. Had I only known there were much more to come. It's been a whirlwind, this whole year. Somehow I've really loved it although it's been incredibly exhausting time to times. Changes don't scare me as much anymore. I'm not neutral but I know I can take them. I've grown, I've gained courage and knowledge.

Now that school's over I thought I'd be on my own. I couldn't have been more wrong. I have a bigger and more loving group of people than ever before. My friends and family are all kind of blending in my head. We're all a big family. We all care about each other. I'm part of something. 

Next year. I don't actually have a plan and, actually, I'm not scared. I'm not panicking and that feels great. I feel very young and alive, like never before. I've been a puppet in my own master plan. Now I'm finally the leader in that game. I've become a human during this year.

I want to see what's around the riverbed. I want to see where the wind takes me. I'm going to continue growing my confidence and courage. I want to get rid of being scared of absolutely everything. I want to live. This time I'm still not 22 yet, but I'm happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. It's been and it will be miserable and absolutely magical. 

photo credit // portaits by Suvi Ojala
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