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24 January 2016

I signed up for my school's musical production on the first day of autumn. Had I known it'd be such a powerful experience I would have cherished the time even more.

Our musical, Kultatähti (Golden Star), was about three girls struggling in the world where music is considered in so many different ways. One of them wants to just make art, second of them is a bit shy and the last one just wants to get loved by someone. The latter, Juuli, is a character that really develops  during the act. She starts as a comic and sarcastic character portraying an uprising pop diva but as the story goes on we got to see a whole new side. She is struggling as the other girls have someone to call and love when they're far away from home and Juuli has simply and only her 42 Instagram followers.

"Mä muistan kun muhun uskottiin / I remember when everyone believed in me
'Tosta tulee jotain', niin povattiin / 'She's gonna become something great', so they said
Nyt mä oon täällä, voin kaiken saavuttaa / Now I'm here and I can achieve everything
Mä pelkään tää ei mitään merkinnytkään / I'm scared this didn't mean anything
ja kohta taas aivan yksin jään / and soon I'll be alone again"

Sylityksin (In your arms) is probably my favourite song in the musical. Juuli's verse really hit me only this week and I pondered it multiple times. I found an alarming amount of similarities under all of her excitement and affectation. This world has been cruel to her in some way and made her tough. She has created a mask for herself to ensure she'll receive acceptance one day.

Juuli faces a tragic death in the lady's room of a night club as she throws a handful of drugs into her throat. In all her despair and loneliness she rises her face and states:

"Musta tuntuu, että mä nousen / I think I'm rising
kohti kylmää taivasta / towards the cold sky
Ehkä musta tulee tähti / Maybe I'll become a star
Vaikka oikeasti halusin vain olla jollekin... kulta / Although really I just wanted to be golden to someone"

In the ending scene Juuli appears as an angel and all the girls sing together and the crowd is weeping. It was a beautiful production. It somehow changed me and at least made me realise important things. Gold Star has been a part of my life for quite a long time in such and I have learned to live with it and for it. Now that we're finished with the show I don't know what should I do with my time. Well, we have exam's starting on Thursday but that's barely nothing compared the musical.

One of my dreams in life, in general, is to get to be part of something. It doesn't have to be anything special but I just don't want to get left alone. This musical was a very special project to me. I even gave a speech just because I felt like it. I have to let that sink in. It was probably the bravest and most ex-tempore thing I've ever done. Maybe I'll become a star.
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10 January 2016

What actually is a perfect day? In the end of the day you can smile and fall asleep happy.

Today I stayed home meaning I had no other plans than studying for a biology exam. But, as it happens, we got snow last week and ever since I've been longing to go ice skating on my primary school's yard. So I convinced myself it was only right to skip studying boring biology and instead go enjoy the very fresh air.

My little sister {who is not so little anymore, I cannot believe she's turning 16 this year} tagged along and so we walked to the school. There was a few groups of little people playing ice hockey and just learning to skate. We somehow managed to look skilful compared to them and in addition got complimented on our pretty outfits.

I thought I would be absolutely freezing since it really hasn't been this cold in two years, for me that is. Surprise, surprise, I wasn't! I actually got so warm I had to take my coat of for a moment. Let me remind you, it was still -15 degrees so it took me only two minutes to get cold. Anyway, it gave me a chance to do a couple of pirouettes in my skirt. This is winter.

I'm wearing a scarf I bought from Cotton On while I was in Australia. It's honestly the warmest scarf ever and I still keep wondering why they sold them in Australia. The scarf goes perfectly with my furry Zara coat which turned out to be the best coat for skating as it's cut in A-line and allowed me move my hands which is quite important. Under the coat I wore a sweated {which you can't see} and a  thick grey skirt, again from Zara. And because it is quite freezing here, I wore two layers of stockings, the white ones with patterns are from Monki. My mom was kind enough to let me borrow her leg warmers and skates which probably date back to Middle Age, to be honest. Vintage is still vintage and I love them.
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5 January 2016

A Tuesday morning has never been this awful. I woke up after a very short night filled with nightmares and other hideous things. For a moment I thought maybe I should cancel my and Suvi's trip to Porvoo. Somehow I got up and got ready, picked Suvi from the railway station and so we headed to Porvoo in freezing -20 degree.

 This was the first time I drove to Porvoo without my parents telling me where to go and I have to say I was pretty nervous since the trip to Helsinki on New Year's eve was so tragic. But we made it without any problems and I got some of that confidence back. I haven't experienced "cold" in a very, very long time.

It's been a good two years without it. As we got out of the car the freezing breeze reached my face and I wished I'd taken a scarf with me. Anywho, we walked around the main street and explored some of the smaller ones too. I found a lovely gift to Minttu for her 19th birthday we're celebrating tonight and enjoyed a delicious spinach quiche with some exceptionally good cappuccino in café Helmi.

I was wearing a mustard yellow {oh yeah} quilted jacket by Torstai with the ever so famous grey fox fur beanie. I felt the read gloves finished the look pretty well although my fingers couldn't bear so I changed to a pair of leather mittens straight after. Underneath I wore a short-ish polka dot dress from Monki with a long grey cardigan by Cos and some grey knitted tights form Lindex. On my neck I have a "runoratsu" necklace from Kalevala jewellery and on my wrist a new Pandora bracelet I got for Christmas {and love it!}.
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2 January 2016

"In 2015 I want to really improve myself in as many areas as I just possibly can. I'm gonna try to fully enjoy the rest of my exchange and after that I'm gonna dive back to studying world and not leave that world for a while. As it comes to my blog I want to - again - improve my writing and photographing skills. I've developed a direction, a theme for my blog and I'm going to continue with that."

2016 is here now and I have already started off way different that I had planned. I literally spent the change of the year in a car driving home and crying with my best friend by my side. I said I want to be braver this year, to except challenges and go on adventures without thinking about tomorrow too much. I want to be more spontaneous {with a common sense, of course}. I want to learn to love and learn how to say it too. 

With the blog I want to concentrate on fashion and more personalised photography. I'm seriously so done with basic portraits. This year I want to think out of the box, to drive far away just to get the most magical photo. I want to talk about my style, how I build an outfit and how it actually worked out.

Last year I got so focused on diagnosing myself and finding myself again I got completely lost in the middle of that rush. Now, I feel like I have built my personality again so much I can move on to concentrate on other things. I want to think less and dream more. I want to have less expectations and see the world with more open eyes. I want to learn how to let go.

January started with New Year's eve party in Aussie style. I loved it. The second highlight of my January must have been surfing and the Australian beach-centred life style. I took some surfing classes and am proud to say I can stand on that board now. I also saw tons of pelicans which was pretty awesome!

In February we visited a lot of theme parks with my family in Australia. I got to hold a koala in Australia zoo which had been one of my biggest dreams since childhood. In this month I also started to film a music video as a school project. Here's the finished product:

We made dozens of trips to the city with Nat in March. We saw the Wicked musical and attended other cool occasions. I also finally bought myself a polaroid camera {it's a fujifilm to be clear} and that thing has followed me everywhere ever since.

In April I got to go to Sydney and see the spectacular opera house and the bridge and madame Tussaud's. It was such an amazing trip and I'm so glad I got the opportunity. This was also the month it was time for me to go back home to Finland. I left with heavy heart and tears in my eyes as saying goodbye to a huge amount of amazing and wonderful people I'd met. I was still happy to see my family in Finland again.

I spent the whole May settling back to Finland and learning to use the language again. It felt wonderful to be back but at the same time I missed my other home so much. There are actually no photos at all from this time which really reflects my feelings: empty.

In June I had got my life somewhat back together. I travelled to middle Finland to see Iida. As usual, we photographed so much it also hurts. I also developed a new kind of love towards soap bubbles and  sunsets. I was also loving the new short and natural look of my hair. And, I almost forgot the most important part: I turned 18! It was wonderful and terrifying... still is.

In July I packed my suitcase once again and flew to French Riviera for 9 days with my family. It was such a great holiday and I can't wait to go there again. We rented a house villa on Côte d'Azur and explored Nice and Cannes. As a real turist in France I wore my striped t-shirt and cat-eye sunglasses which I very much love.

In August it was time for another vacation. This time I flew to Austria by myself to see Julia for a week. We spent a lovely day in Vienna and for the rest of my stay we relaxed over at her place by a lake and mountains. On the date of Julia's little brother's birthday we all went hiking to the Alps {how cool is that!} which was spectacular.

September was quite a boring month on the half of photos. I was enjoying all the autumn things such as coffee, candles and beautiful colours. I had a few shopping sprees and busy time with school which pretty much sums up the whole month's schedule.

Now that I look back my whole autumn seems really boring because there's hardly any photos in my October folder. In fact, I just haven't have the motivation to pick up my camera. I'd say I spent at least as much time with school as I did in the previous month if not more. I took exams and finished a few assignments.

November passed by while we all were waiting for some snow

Thank God I remembered my camera in December. This was the first year in ages I got really excited for Christmas. It was good but not surprising, as Christmas tends to be now. It was nice to see my grand parents and I actually enjoyed the dinner so all that excitement wasn't for nothing. On boxing day I hopped on a plane and flew to Germany to see friends I'd made in New Zealand. It was honestly the most perfect trip and the most perfect way to end my year. 

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