4 January 2017

the fourth year

"I want to be braver this year, to except challenges and go on adventures without thinking about tomorrow too much. I want to be more spontaneous {with a common sense, of course}. I want to learn to love and learn how to say it too.
I want to think less and dream more. I want to have less expectations and see the world with more open eyes. I want to learn how to let go."

The clearest sign of growing up is time, how fast it runs. Many have said they're glad this year is finally over. My year was very everything, the whole spectrum of feelings, tears, laughters, pain and wonderfulness. I became braver because of all of this. I became kinder too remembering where I want to stand in life. The ever-so-exciting late night car drives to nowhere showed me what a second without plan can be. I took risks that turned out to be worth the risk. I learned to love and to let go. I found a wonderful life in a place I thought was dead.

This year I need to even braver as a lot of things are changing. I want to learn to trust there are people who are there for me. I want to learn to trust the world. Actually, I need to learn to trust the world.

January was somewhat a busy and stressful month following with February equally as tough. I was working with the musical production in addition to a stacked schedule and a mess in my personal life. These months blended in so well I honestly can't tell what happened without a journal. I was definitely having a hard time here and was in a lot of emotional pain that led to panic attacks and sleepless nights.

By March the musical was over and pressures all around had eased. I took some time off to go to Lapland with my family. The skiing holiday was a perfect getaway, a chance to relax. I remember still being stressed and so this month, too, is a blur in my head.

April marks the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I started hanging out with my "lost and newly found" friends who became very important to me in no time. There were so many pictures and so many laughs. I started to feel really happy again and looked forward to weekends to spend time with Ellu and Paci. 

In May Ellu and Paci where done with their finals and so we had loads of time to take trips and go on adventures. We painted, cooked, biked, photographed and had such good talks. May is also the fashion month in Finland and so I attended some fashion shows, which is a first for me. Especially the Aalto University's show was amazing combined with the exhibition a few days later. I've been interested in fashion for several years now. This show was kind of a cherry on top making me sure this is what I want to work with.

Ah, June! My birthday month and the first month of summer holiday. For my birthday we went to Boulevard Social with my family and to Pjazza with my friends as the year before. I loved both of those days for being surrounded with my favourite people, missing a few, of course, as Germany is a bit far away. In June I visited the Suomenlinna island by Helsinki many times. There's something in this place: the sunset over the city, the eased summery atmosphere and picnics on the grass. It was the beginning of the best summer of my life.

We spent time a lot in Helsinki in July. After the midsummer myself, Ellu and Paci started hanging out with Max as well. The Casino of Helsinki, Torni (tower bar), restaurants, brunches and golf courses by night. It was all amazing! As I mentioned: the best summer ever! I also travelled to French  Riviera with my family for a week. The lady in Dolce&Gabbana asked from which year's collection my shorts were. I loved dressing that way in a place it's only decent.

In August the summer holiday was almost gone and I had only a few weeks left with my friends before they all flew the nest: university, au pairing, you name it. I cherished this time even more. It was the time of letting go, of them and of great times. I had been happy, myself for a long time and didn't want that to end either. And then there were two. Max and I were the last ones left and as we had enjoyed each other's company in the summer we continued hanging out as the last two left. Then there was a week of so much happiness as me and Max hit it off and so much sadness as my beloved dog got diagnosed with cancer. As one door opens another closes.

September was such an amazing month. We drove all night with Max and ended up in places far far away. School-wise I finally got a burnout after participating in pretty much every single extra curricular club and committee. I resigned from all of them except the school paper. I felt so light. I had short days in school for the first time in forever. And the weekends I spent with Max. I started to draw and paint and do puzzles again which all I used to love. Life got a bit better all the time.

October was a happy month, a light month. October was also my dog's last month. That was a sad morning. My dad took her to the vet. It was a quiet day. I see her still in my dreams, every week.

In November it got really cold. We still had fun dreaming of travelling to marvellous places.

In December was my little sister's birthday as well as other celebrations and I think I wore that dress almost every day for two weeks. I took everything I could out of those weeks as on the third weekend I left to Australia for a month. Here I still am, one week to go, happy but homesick.

This year changed me more than I had dreamt. I've grown. I've found the perspective I needed.

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