homesick

Last night in my dream I was home in Finland and it felt really real. I remember starting to discuss about my return with someone when suddenly I said 'oh shit this must be just a dream — I can't remember my flights'. 

Couple times I have felt homesick during my exchange and every time I have seen dreams I'm back home and everything's over and then someone asks about my trip back and I realise I never flew back. I don't know why remembering the flights is such a dead-end situation to imagine. It is so creepy to realise you are dreaming and then wake up with an unreal feeling. Okay, it's pretty awesome: you feel like a genius by knowing what's real and what's not.

Then there have been different times when I have woken up in the morning without even remembering I'd had a dream and then during the day I start to remember the dream. Only problem is, I can't tell what was just a dream and what had actually happened in real life. My mind is really messing up with me sometimes.

You probably already realised I have been a bit homesick lately. I have been away for seven and half months and now the homesickness kicks in. In every single YFU orientation we have been given a graph which  shows the emotional range of an exchange student. The ironic pis that my graph is actually very reversed. In the beginning you are 'supposed' to feel up and down all the time: being homesick and very excited practically every second day. When you've been in the country for couple of months you are 'supposed' to start feeling good generally every day until you go back home. The ironic part is that my graph is actually very reversed.

Last week I was talking about my homesickness with my host mum and our international's coordinator in school. I stated I am homesick and it made the whole thing feeling so much worse than it was when only I knew. I still think talking about it and actually acknowledging the issue I am hopefully able to get over it easier.

Anyway, I know will survive even though sometimes I feel pretty keen just going back home. I love my family here and I'd love to stay with them much longer than I have left. We have so much fun things still to do which I wouldn't miss even if someone paid. I think you can't know you're happy without the contrast. I know being homesick is healthy. It'll make me stronger.